horney paper storms: About Me

Showing posts with label About Me. Show all posts

I discovered Evanescence in 2005 and fell in love with the tortured lyrics and melodic cries for help.

It was my depression in a soundtrack.

I particularly like this song because it describes me when I am in an episode - it also visually describes my fear of people.

On some days when I leave the house this is how the outside world appears to me (metaphorically of course not literally) and I am fearful of crowds and unknown people. I have been out and about and in a second my brain will flick the switch and I feel like I am in the middle of a Dali-esque horror scene.

Mall trips can be fun for me on MANY levels lol.

Enjoy....

All I Want In 2013 Is To Be Understood........

My "Monster" - Clinical Depression - means that my responses or reactions or actions can sometimes swing from one extreme to the other.

A blogger I look up to is no longer answering my emails. This blogger is someone I respect immensely and - along with Brenton at Aussielicious - got me inspired to build my own blog. But unfortunately he appears to have - I am guessing here - found my extreme swings and somewhat "quirky" ways difficult to deal with.

And as someone that he has no real link to or interest in, I feel he has simply washed his hands of me. I don't think there is any malice in his decision, but as busy as he is these days, I simply believe has come to the conclusion that he just doesn't have the time or energy for it. Again, which I can understand.

What saddens me though, is that I both like and respect this person immensely. I flippantly attempted to throw myself at him in a professional way, and it could have been misinterpreted in several different ways - one of them being that it may have been seen as me attempting to take advantage of his new situation.

This got me thinking......... I have been described by people as being "hard to keep up with". And I am. I have been told that I can come across as having one set of intentions, when actually my intent is completely different. The Monster can take me from wo to yay to "I want to go postal and take you all with me" all in one day....... sometimes all in one hour.

I'm a naturally effusive guy and can often be misinterpreted as being sycophantic or kiss-arse.

I speak my mind and will do so bluntly and with less eloquence and more cussing than I normally would and yes, sometimes I do tend to overreact. Again, in hindsight, I wish I hadn't but it is often difficult to stop the Monster from egging me on.

Not that I say any of the above to try to give myself free license to do or say anything and blame it on the Monster, more to show that the Monster DOES have an influence over me. Sometimes more. Sometimes less.

So here is my New Year Challenge to All of You......

Look beyond the obvious. Try to see me as something else than a blogger who "appears" to be all over the place. Ask me if you need to understand something or if I say something that you believe to be inappropriate or over the top.

I'm quirky. Cooky. And sometimes altogether ooky.

But I am also honest, loyal and will never lie to you.

After a year of being misunderstood by many, maybe now I can have a year where people really do see inside the bubble of the Monster and are able to distinguish between HIM and ME.

I am worth the effort. Just as I try to make the effort with others.

Why?

Because I/We should try :) - through the trying we often happen upon wondrous things we never expected to happen upon.

May 2013 bring you all health, happiness and hope.

Thank you so much for visiting throughout 2012.

My blessings and my prayers.

Damien
xox

My City - Brisbane....

Shots taken of Southbank and the Brisbane CBD from the balcony outside the lunch room at my job....

I Am Lonely...

Let me first start by saying this is not a "give me your pity" post.... This is just a statement of how I feel - or - how my Depression makes me feel.

I am lonely.

I am lonely within my own head/self.

I genuinely believe that no one gets me. And that is due to the "Monster" that I share my life with... Clinical Depression.

I have been described in the following ways - after each term is how I genuinely feel / try to project.

Sycophantic / Interested in someone else with a desire to recognise their own uniqueness...
Try-Hard / Simple desire to engage...
Perv / Hardly - I am a sexual being but I do have self respect and limits...
Desperate / Actually - I am trying to make friends - which apparently is very difficult these days...
Victim / No.... I am someone who lives with a disease and I try to do the best I can to educate others on it...
Silly / You misread the fact that I do not take myself, life, or others TOO seriously = whilst allowing genuine appreciation for all three...
Crazy / No... yes there is an element of emotional instability to my illness - but I am not crazy. Actually, I have quite a high IQ and EQ... and am very creative.

So why do I feel lonely?

Because I feel no one wishes to get to know me beyond a sentence or two on Twitter / Growlr / Grindr / Scruff.......... plus I have been told that fit people find fatties uncomfortable to be around ( I have no idea how to contextualise that one )... This does not violate my NO FAT TALK rule as someone else brought it up and I am attempting to understand it.

I have been told by one friend - a blogger - that I am exactly what he expected when we met.... all positive. It was a surprise to me due to how many people through apps and the net told me that I put them off due to my "bizarre / quirky / weird" nature.

These people didn't know about the Monster I shared my life with. But should they have to?

Can they not try to see beyond the facile and the obvious? Why is understanding and curiosity so beyond most of the gays I talk / chat / message to?

It eludes me.

May it not elude you.

I am going to bed now.

Shalom n blessings for you all.

I will not apologise if this post confuses you. If it does - reread it until you comprehend the meaning.

Damien
xox

No More Fat Talk...

If you follow me on Twitter - you'll know that I talk about Fat or Chubby or Big a LOT.

Well - a wonderful friend who I have a very special place in my heart for has challenged me to stop talking Fat.

The rationale is that all the talk of Fat is being used (by both of us - but in different ways) as blinders to issues that we are not dealing with.

Truth.

So.......... I am not going to into detail here because I have done so on several occasions previous. But, what I will do - is commit to No More Fat Talk. And it's a simple reason for me - if I talk about it; rant about it; preach about it, then I am simply HIDING from it.

I am currently 120kgs - that's 265lbs. I put on the weight initially due to nesting with my (then) new husband. But then it became seeking solace from how wretched I felt inside due to the Monster that is Clinical Depression. This evolved - as these sort of mental issues are want to do - into a physical manifestation. In 10 years I have nearly doubled in weight.

So now - it is time to stop talking The Fat.

I don't necessarily know what the next step is. But I am actually now genuinely interested to know.

All because, a man with a wonderful heart and a genuine friendship with me, challenged me by basically calling me out.

And I love that he did.

No.

More.

Fat.

Talk.

Let's see where this takes me.

Shalom n Blessings all

Damien
xox

Tatted Thursday....

Why .... mine of course :)

Inside the Actors Studio Quiz....

Here's a great quiz (made famous by TV show, inside the actors studio - presented by the uber-amazing James Lipton) originally from a French talk show by Bernard Pivot and has it's roots in Proust.

When you have time, I'd love to see your answers too.

01. What is your favourite word ? Salubrious

02. What is your least favourite word ? The modern use of the "N" word

03. What turns you on (can be creatively, spiritually or emotionally) ? Genuine-ness ( I know that's not a real word )

04. What turns you off ? Superficiality

05. What is your favourite curse word ? Cocksuckers!! - wonderful collection of consonants that punctuate each syllable

06. What sound or noise do you love ? genuine out of control laughter

07. What sound or noise do you hate ? Mobile phones - especially in an inappropriate setting - restaurant, cinema, the bedroom

08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt ? Sci-Fi Fantasy Author / Creator of next Star Trek TV Series

09. What profession would you not like to do ? Palliative Care Nurse - too much death

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates ? You genuinely tried.....didn't get it right all the time... but you tried to... I appreciate that... PS The buffet is all you can eat and calorie free.

Inside My Mind......

I was having a discussion once with a work colleague about depression.... her husband is a Clinical Depressive like me, but won't open up to her about the reality of what it's like for him ......her question was.... "What happens in your mind?".....

The following is a list of the things that are "happening" in my mind......

Emotions battle with each other for supremacy - yet there is never a winner....
My brain will "break" in a nano-second and I will go from what ever mood I am in to something completely different....
My broken brain generates dreams that would scare the shit out of both Dali and Tarentino - in one of them I am a serial killer.......... what I do would make Dahmer puke.....
I can be in the mall - perfectly fine and having a wonderful time shopping and enjoying myself - then my brain will sprain and I am suddenly and totally terrified of those around me....
I am completely and absolutely alone in my head..... there are none that experience what I do... it is the nature of mental illness that is unique to the individual....
The 'Monster" will circle me like a Great White Shark...... but will move off.... I feel safe... then I am suddenly thrown from the ocean of my sanity into a moment of madness that is so terrifying it would make you shit your pants.... really....
I have no flight or fight mode........... only "escape"........
I seek change but have no earthly idea what to change or how or when ......
I desperately desire the company of others.... but their company makes me so anxious I have to go shit.... repeatedly.... no kidding....
My anxiety reflex is shitting......... repeatedly... sometimes 7 times a day....... attractive isn't it...
I question the most simple and non-offensive of remarks...... often negatively.... always in a self reflective mode.... usually to my detriment.....
I seek comfort........... but I know not from whom or what......
Bubb provides the only sense of "safety" I have.... He is a blessing from G-d and an answer to a prayer I spent nearly three years praying for..... Miracles do happen - and he is one......
I am tired...... all the time...... bone tired...... mentally exhausted.....
I have a high IQ - which means I get bored easily..... If I am not stimulated somehow.... the "Monster" pounces... and I have no defence against it.....
When I am 'up'............I am Everest........ when I am 'down' ............ I am the Marianus Trench.....
There is no way .... no words or language.... that can describe how utterly alone I feel... even when surrounded by those I love and am loved by......
I am not a drama queen............ and you should NEVER call someone with depression that name.... we are sick........ just like a physical sickness, but it is centred in our brain.....
I have no answers to the hundreds of questions my "self" asks me....
I feel like an idiot all the time........ for no reason......
I don't know how else to describe it except for this........ I would not wish this illness on the worst of enemies..... the most inhumane dictator.... nor the worst criminal.......

Clinical Depression.......... if you do not have it you will never understand.... if you have it, you will only EVER understand your own.... and when you do...... the "Monster" will change the rules....

My love & blessings to you all....

Shalom

Damien
xox

Addendum To My Rant......

Yes - there are good gays out there.

Yes - I was in a mood. A mood I couldn't possibly explain to you. Caused by bad gays.

No - it was never my intention to hurt those who "aren't" in the class of gays I was having a rant at.

Yes - I could have been more specific about whom the rant was targeted.... However, I also take for granted the intellect of most of my readers to be able to distinguish between the type of person I am ranting at.

There are a lot of you who are the "good gays" - for want of a better word - but we have to ask ourselves, why does there seem to be an ever increasing lot of bad gays.... the gays I ranted about below seem to be multiplying at an exponential rate....

Why?

Online........ In clubs........ Pubs......... there seem to be an ever increasing number of nasty gays.

We have to ask ourselves WHERE is this attitude coming from and why is it propagating at the speed it does?

Some of you are fortunate to live in places that have a positive and friendly gay community - not all of us do.

Indeed - it could very well be that a positive and friendly community is now the exception and not the rule like it was when I came out.

Maybe its an Australian thing? Maybe it's a more common thing but some of you are clearly blessed with great social circles?

All I know is - my rant was aimed at taking THAT type of gay to task - not my loyal readers - and if you have been dropping by as long as you have, you should know by now my rants whilst SEEMINGLY generalised, really aren't.

Work with me here - I'm a little nuts remember.

Damien

PS

Here's a stunning example of Tuches Tuesday in concilliation.

Shalom and Blessings.

VLOG - Just Eat Less......

My Backyard.....

Not in the mood for naked men today.... enjoy some pics of my backyard.... I tried to make them interesting...

Challenge - Self Truths......

Have you done a Self Audit.... My psychologist made me do it and it's a VERY interesting exercise.

You choose 10 positives - 10 negatives - three things to work on - and then a final word you would hope others perceive you as...

I throw down the challenge for my fellow bloggers to do this.

Here goes...

10 Positive Traits of Me.....

Loyal
Creative
Affectionate
Honest
Adventurous
Passionate
Optimist
Social
Listener
Curious

10 Negative Traits of Me

Moody
Needy
Procrastinator
Indulgent
Don't always finish what I start
Can be ignorant of others
Bitter
Jaded
Easily Hurt
Lazy

3 Things To Work On

Finishing my novel - Theta
Staying committed to Brentons' Aussielicious health challenge
Being more considerate of others

One Word I Would Hope Others Would Use For Me

Honest

What are yours???

Keen to hear if anyone else does this.......

Shalom

Damien
xox

I Am In Jail.......

I call my Depression one of two things.... The Broken Brain.... and/or The Monster... in reality it should be called The Warden.

There is so much I want to do but my D has me afraid of people - leaving the house - taking chances.

Yes I am having a bad day. First bad funk in a while.... with the exception of the usual melancholy or numb days.

I have so many talents and creative skills. I have a good personality. And I have so much I want to do. But the thought of leaving my house and going "out there" and taking a chance terrifies me.

Yes I am able to shrug it all off with that twisted sense of humour of mine. But The Warden is IN today and I feel worthless and useless and I hate myself. More than usual.

It will pass and I'll be back to Happy Charming Funny Damien (yeah yeah.... I know...)

But today I am a prisoner of The Warden in a Jail that feels like a dark hole with no ladder or ability to climb out.

If any of you ever think people living with Clinical Depression "Dont have it that bad / Are just drama queens" - come back and read my posts.

Coz I'm sugar coating it.

If I told you the thoughts that actually went through my head and the emotions and fears I have in HONEST detail............. you'd crap yourself.

Clinical Depression is a Jail and my broken brain is the Warden.

I hate it - but I have no choice but to live with it.

Shabbat Shalom and Blessings to you all.

Damien
xox

I Hurt A Friend Today........

There's a man I love.

Not in THAT way.......... but as a friend...... and I realised it today for the first time.

I've always liked him and he's become a good and valued friend, but he had never gotten THAT thought before. That deep level of friendship.

So............... how did I hurt him?

Well...... he isn't in a good place right now. And I am about as subtle as a multiple train wreck... so I gave him my overview of the situation and possibly what was/could be obstacles to his current lack of wellbeing. I believe I didn't step OVER the line - but I admit I was definitely poised over it.

I know now that he is a Friend with a capital F - a friend who I care deeply for. A friend that I will always be there for, but a friend that - even with good intentions - I hurt today.

Hopefully he will understand in time where I was coming from and I hope he understands my care and concern for him. But I pissed him off. No doubt about it. And I don't like that.

I do love him though. Very much. And I am very lucky to have him as a friend.

That is all.

Shalom

D
xox

Hmmmmmm - time to tidy up the goattee...........and the nose hair clippers.... NOW who's hot :) ?

I Need A Social Life........

Somewhat like this..........

However I am concerned it would turn into something like this........

Where do adults go to reclaim a social life?

Do I.........

Join a gay social group?
Take a class?
Just go hang out at the pub and hope for the best?
Stand on a corner with a sign........ Although that IS how I got that last Street Prostitution charge......
Blitz the gays online and hope a few match my needs/goals? Wouldn't that make me a stalker again?
Blitz the Interweb with an ad ?
Help.......

Seriously - as adults where do we go to meet new people and how successful / realistic will it be for me?

It's an interesting question to be sure.......

Thoughts my 2 Centers??

Shalom

Damien
xox

horney paper storms

I Got Eyes !!!!!

Going Under...

Self Portrait Sunday...

Can You Just........