Slowing Down

Things have started feeling very uncertain since the whole fucked-up debacle with A. I feel like such an asshole.

My stars today:
GEMINI - May 22nd - June 21st
It looks like family is standing in the way of your advancement. If you're going to make your dreams come true you need to break free from these confining relationships. That may mean moving into your own place, getting a job, or cutting yourself off from troubling family members. Don't let a lack of education intimidate you. Although it will be painful, it will yield immediate results. You've got lots of supportive friends to help you through this transition.
***

I had been feeling that things have changed, and we're in a fixed position, and that I didn't want to wake up one morning alone and divorced, wondering what the fuck happened?? All I know is that would feel so, so wrong.

So, husband and I talked last night, and we're going to at least delay the divorce. I am still going to move out though.
I feel all the shame, etc, of feeling like I don't deserve a second chance, I truly fucked things up this last while, and he would be right to kick my ass to the curb. But, he said he didn't mind waiting, at least to help me settle down in the new place, and then we could reassess whether we needed to be divorced or separated, or just living apart, or whatever.
Husband is an Aries, and prone to making overly quick decisions, and I am far too gung-ho myself, thinking I can cope with perhaps more than I can cope with. So... Here we are.
And I feel better, less nauseous, less freaked out, less feeling like life is just all fucking 'wrong' right now and too out of control. I just managed to salvage a small bit of it, swallow my pride, for a while at least, until I really can cope.

There were lots of tears last night.

Haven't heard from A since Tuesday, that feels just fine.

God, what a fucking nightmare this last month or so has been. I wish I was more mature, more responsible myself! Maybe that will be the result of where my life is going at the moment, who knows.
All I know is today I feel like a scared child, small and alone, and very sad. But that will pass. I know that's not the truth of it. I am not a child, I am certainly not alone, and the sadness will pass too.

I might even be ready for S when he comes over in January, who knows. I can't think about that yet. But he did restore my confidence a bit, bless him. He will also understand, if I am not ready, too, and that feels pretty good. We have been through our own ups and downs, and have a great friendship, under all the talk of sex.

I think I am finally realizing what perhaps everybody else can see, that I am just not ready yet, for any kind of relationship, other than to make the best of what my present situation is, and do some damage control. I am emotionally toxic, and am flailing about doing damage to people. Friend told me that some months back. Wish I'd had the brains to listen.

But, perhaps this has all been perfect anyway. I am learning what I need to, and that's the point. Let's hope for no more damage to anybody else's heart. Let's just say this has been 'humbling'.