I had a Facebook message from A, asking if I had unfriended him? Yes. I said 'temporarily', while I got my shit together again, but I'm not sure. It might be better being permanent. We'll see. I felt a bit disturbed when I saw a message in my inbox from him... I think that's a good sign.
I guess I'm 'burying the lead' so to speak. Last night was my first night alone in the new apartment, and it was pretty fucking tough. I did a lot of crying, and not a lot of sleeping.
I hate to admit I'm terrified I've made a huge mistake. I am feeling a lot of doubt, fear, sadness, panic coursing throug my body, and it's all I can do to 'conduct' it.
I'm sure it's ok though. I will live. I will get used to it. I am at least VERY grateful that after all that's happened, Husband is still willing to be with me, and still give me a home, albeit at the moment just a few nights a week... Those nights I will be very grateful for.
I need a fucking TV!! I can't get through this with no TV! Not with winter around the corner again in a few months.
It is at least (and this was the plan, believe it or not, however insane it sounds!), forcing me to feel something. My life was 'good' but my feeling-level was pretty ho-hum. I needed something to remedy that, and drop me into my feelings a little more. Careful what you ask for when seeking excitement!
What is it about us humans that sometimes means we need extremes to learn a simple lesson or 2?
PLENTY of lessons learned these last few months!! I have been through the Cosmic Shredder, and I'm not sure it's done with me yet.
I think one of the bigger lessons is in finding that my 'Higher Self' has no sympathy for ego. And I am that ego 99.9% of the time. Staying with that 'Higher' thing is a real fucking ordeal. No idealistic fluffy hippy love-fest. And as far as feelings go, it's life or death. It feels like death to me right now, but I have it on good authority that ego death isn't very comfortable, and that is what is happening.
Exoterically, what I am doing looks utterly insane. Esoterically, it's Alchemy. I hope my heart is big enough to know and feel the difference, and not get completely mashed in the process. I know greater 'men' than I have attempted this and lost. Thankfully, a few have won, too, and Friend is one of them, encouraging, leading me through this. His wisdom has been utterly indispensable. How Graced I am to have an Enlightened Master so intimately involved in my life. I have been spending several nights a week lately in his good company.
I haven't talked about Friend much at all, because to have a Master is really something that westernized society doesn't find agreeable. This is exactly why, it makes us confront ourselves in some truly bizarre and terrifying ways sometimes, along with all the good stuff it brings, too, and you really need a deep grounding and a lot of courage and discrimination to stick with the process. Like Friend says, 'the line at the door is pretty short'. ON that level, I am also finding out some pretty good things about myself, too.
Would you willingly have taken on the lessons of my last few months for the sake of growth? I'm honestly not sure I would do it again!! But 'I' sometimes doesn't have the choice... It's the Self that makes the decisions now.
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