I am fed up with the demand, it's constant, and I'm really fucking tired. Really. Fucking. Tired. I want my fucking life back. That's all. A simple thing. I feel so tearful today, I can't stop crying. I realize my life is totally out of my control, and I'm scared as hell, and I've also given up trying. Maybe that's a good thing.
I wrote an email to Friend and to Husband that basically said I let go. I give up. I am too tired to hang on. I recognize I have no control whatsoever. I never did. It was only ever an illusion anyhow. 9 years I have spent clinging to Husband, sometimes with love, sometimes just with fear, and I'm done. Not done loving him, wanting it to work, but done with the clinging, the pattern of always being the needy one, the one who gives it all away, for the possibility of some security, some break from the devastating sadness and loneliness I feel when left to myself. Well, maybe I need to face that.
I am just too fucking tired to care any more. My hands are tired from all that holding on I've been doing, my whole life.
Friend says, partially, which I hope isn't too much out of context:
You don't own your fear - it owns you. And all your motivations are about staving off the feeling of fear. Don't you see? [Husband] is nothing but one big bandaid. You will get burned in the end following down that path for it is an absolute dead end.
Is that really all you want, to keep your man? Really? Have you learned nothing from the dharma you have read or with the Gurus you have been with? Look at your life. Feel your life. Do you think [Husband] is really going to remove the terror you feel most of the time? Never happen! The terror was there before him and will be there after him if you don't learn how to practice.
[Husband] is already waking up to [freedom]. And I know you know it. So what are you going to do? Are you going the allow yourself to ... "break the spell of the ego" or are you going to continue to mope around that you may have lost your man, and what is going to happen to you, etc., etc., etc.. I say allow that so that you can become the Free Woman as [Husband] is becoming the Free Man.
You cannot continue to [hang out with me] in the mode of "woe is me". It is abusive to me not to mention what it is doing to you. I have always been here to serve you but you always have a different agenda. You haven't made a choice. So, I am very serious. Are you ready to grow up and become the Free Woman you already are or do you want to continue to play games. Choose what you will do.
***
I haven't had a response yet from either of them. That's ok, I'm not ready to read it.
My manager rocks. She took me for a walk earlier this morning, and I poured it all out to her. That helped a lot. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am just tired. I am looking for a place to lie down and sleep for a while, and wake up in a few months with my life all back in order. Please let that be what happens. I get the feeling it won't be, but that's apparently not my choice. Just please say a little silent prayer for me today. I am in much need of that.
And that's the thing. I'm a woman!! I need a woman's touch in these matters, not all this man-energy of 'being straight', it fucking hurts, and always feels brutal. Women are sometimes so much better at being gentle, and that gets me where I need to be, not that hard-line brutal honesty thing. Lead me there, don't force me. Don't hit me with the stick. Gently point, I will understand.
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