Feminine

I was just over at Goose's new blog, and she wrote a great post about femininity, and it really made me think about my own struggle with that subject.

I have always dressed like a boy, jeans, hoodie, t-shirt. I don't own more than about 3 skirts, and although I wear eyeshadow, mascara and liner, I have never really bothered with more make up than that. I possibly wear nail polish about 3 times a year, and own about 4 pairs of high heels, none of which I can wear all that well, so they stay in the closet, except for maybe one outing a year, to a nice restaurant or something.

So, conventionally, I am not very feminine or girly. I guess I look feminine, I have long blonde hair, and an fairly attractive girly face, and great tits, so I think I have just always relied on that, and not felt much need or interest to learn the more feminine arts of how to do makeup or dress up.

But, like I said in the comments on Goose's post, I don't feel myself to be any less of a woman just lately. I think I have come through some of my insecurities about that, and really am back to not giving a shit, after my summer of crisis.

I have a particular set of women friends that are all into the Goddess, and dress accordingly, in flowy soft clothing, they wear jewelery and perfume, and always look amazing, and I think for a while there, I felt the need to keep up with that, compete, perhaps. I am past that, and my response to Goose made me realize that. I am more of a woman than most of the women I know, despite what I look like sometimes, and the way I refuse to dress to accommodate the act of being a woman.
I have let go of something, found a little freedom, and I am happy to realize that about myself at this point in my life!

Most of the women I know that are supposedly into 'spiritual' stuff, wouldn't know the Goddess if She showed up and bitch slapped them in the face. And much less, would they ever be seen dead in a sex shop buying a dildo!

Sex is our inherent connection to life, and therefore, the most spiritual thing we have. Owning that, makes a woman more 'feminine' than all the conventional ideas about how to be a woman, put together. No makeup lessons or days at the mall or hours spent emulating Martha Stewart in the kitchen can ever compare to feeling free in your own body, and not afraid to step out of conventional life roles of 'mother' (I have no kids), 'wife', 'daughter' etc.

Having said that, there are also those women that are owned by sex, and owning sex and being owned by it, are very different. I am just starting to make that journey. So much of my life has been owned by sex. Either the lack of, or the fear that has lead to my use of it to keep my life in place.
Marriage, for a start.
What would our lives be, if sex wasn't what held our marriages together? I had to let go of that this summer, and look what happened. Disaster. Dissolution, the threat of divorce, etc. Husband could not handle the thought of me fucking another person. And probably, if I'm honest, me likewise, if he did it.
Finally, having come through a certain part of that crisis this year, and I am finding out that love and sex are entirely not what the world would tell us they were, or what we need, to be "successful" or even normal, as women.
Survival should not depend on having to have sex. Love, should not depend on having to have sex.

I am still here, even after the total train-wreck our lives almost turned out to be, and Husband loves me more than ever, and I him. Things are good now, once we learned to let go a little of our expectations of each other, and let go of the socially expected roles our friends and family had mapped out for us. Much squealing was done by parents this summer, which lead to a ban on that whole topic of conversation. That helped.

I don't know where I'm going with all this, other than to say I think I have finally realized that I have grown, and outgrown some of my fears, and learned to walk my talk a little better this last while. I don't have so many insecurities about myself any more. I don't compare myself to other women so frequently, or worry that I am somehow getting it all 'wrong' if I don't do this the way everybody else does.

I am owning who I am a lot better these days.

Perfectly, right on cue, a woman came into my office, and asked to talk to 'the President', some sales person, she was all dolled up, looking very blonde and high-heeled, and she was such a perfect illustration of what I was just saying! Sex sells, sex will get you what you want in life, and I hate to see this poor woman out having to act like that to get work and make a sale.

Not that that's wrong, if it's a free choice. That isn't a moral judgment. I know a few sex-workers, and love them dearly, but that's their free choice, and that's the difference.
This woman in my office just now, wasn't free about it in the least. Her life depended on it. Her income, her very self-value, was so wrapped up in putting on a certain fake sexual facade. Bleached hair, too much eyeliner. She looked like a stripper turned insurance salesman. And she hated herself for it, and that self-hatred oozed from her pores, even overwhelming her perfume.

And that's my point. I am becoming free of that, and finding my own choices. I know my life circumstance doesn't depend now, like is had most of my life, on whether or not guys want to fuck me. And knowing that, I can enjoy the sex all the more!

Fear isn't dictating what I do with my role as a woman so much any more. Isn't that sexy?