Submission

So, Friday night...

Friend and I, (who I think at this point I should just call 'Master', though that might have certain connotations on this blog that aren't there in real life. I mean 'Spiritual Master', not the sub/dom sexual kind of Master, though he knows about that side of me and has threatened to buy some rope! He has definitely earned that title!), had a wonderful meal together Friday night, at one of my favourite gourmet vegetarian restaurants.

When we got back to my apartment, we began the process of getting me 'good and fucked up'. Well, that took some courage, as after 2 hits of pot, I started to feel some fear arise. He asked me to take another hit. I was already feeling pretty well stoned, but somehow managed to find the trust and courage to submit to that request from my Master, even though the fear I knew would only get worse.

Within 10 or 15 minutes, as we sat on the couch, I started to feel the fear coming up out of my stomach, and went to the bathroom to puke, and spent probably an hour or so there, sitting on the floor with my head in the toilet, puking up fear. And it didn't stop coming. It just kept on and on, and every time I thought I was done, I would puke some more.
And all the while, my beloved Master sat with me, holding my hand, rubbing my shoulders, taking care of me. Nobody has ever done that for me before, I have always been left by myself to deal with it, and always been terrified I would die. Even my mum, when I was a kid, would leave me alone to get on with it.
After what seemed like forever, (especially when stoned!), I stopped, and felt myself relax a little, and then, light poured into my body, bright light, clearly visible, like a light-bulb right in front of my eyes.
At that point, he asked me to open my eyes, and I continued to see and feel the light, the entire room became light. It didn't stop, it wasn't a fantasy or 'vision', it was my reality.

For a while afterwards, he kept me in the body, asking me questions, keeping me conscious, touching me, and asking me to describe to him what was happening. I was feeling energy and heat moving through all parts of me, my eyes, my stomach, my head, feet, etc. To feel the energy flowing quite so freely is a new thing for me.

Sweetest of all, he said in an email to me Friday afternoon, that he enjoyed my company. I replied that I had trouble receiving that, as I always felt like I was 'work'. Yesterday, he told me again, that even with my head in the toilet for most of the night, he had enjoyed my company Friday night. That is one who is truly free, and living as Love!

This whole weekend, there has been a gentle heat in my chest and stomach, and I can feel new things happening with my bodily energy. Some of it has been uncomfortable, feeling my insides rearranging themselves, but generally the feeling is of warmth and feeling that hole in my stomach is being filled with energy, heat, love.

Submission has a lot of extraordinary rewards.