Chemical

I dreamt about A the other morning. I was sitting on top of him, his beautiful muscles all strained and tensed up, hands gripping my thighs, mid-orgasm. I could feel his hard thighs between my legs, and his massive cock spasming and pumping and twitching inside me as he came, and woke up mid-orgasm myself, literally dripping wet..

Hmm.. Not a happy dream. Why does the mind do things like that? Stir up all those memories again? Why do I go to feeling the sadness and anger of it, rather than the enjoyment of what really was just a really very hot sexy dream? For a few days there, I couldn't get the thought of A's perfect cock out of my mind... Or the feeling of it out of my pussy, come to that.

Damn him. Been thinking lately that perhaps we can be friends again, I know Sister is sad about what happened, and hates that A and I don't speak any more. They're close, we're close, and it would be nice to have that friendship again. After all, it's been almost 5 months since I last saw him.
But I think that dream was also a warning. Oh, who would I be kidding? There's no way I wouldn't get to feel all that about him again.

Anyway... Moving on.. Been having a very nice time with Husband lately, really enjoying his company, though not having nearly enough sex. Clearly. I have been ravenously horny, in the lead up to my period. I always get like that. I guess the hormone-induced dream also served as a reminder that these things all also pass like the rest of it, and once the hormones had abated somewhat, I was left feeling very little for A again, thankfully, and am happy to still be with Husband.
Shit, that was a serious obsession. I was pretty deranged, really, when I think back to the summer and all that happened.

It's all chemical, isn't it? So much of what we do, what we think, what we feel, how we act, is driven by that.

And that's worth remembering.

S is coming to visit me in a few weeks, he's here on 'business', though that's something I know he could do anywhere in the US, but chose to come here. He's one of my dearest soul-mates and one-time fuck buddy, and yes, I am concerned that I might be getting myself into some serious trouble again. I don't want to fuck my life up a second time, hurt Husband all over again, and I think I learned I'm not mature enough to handle it.
At least with S, I know that our friendship and love isn't threatened, whether or not we have sex, and I know that it won't 'work out', in the sense that him and I will ever be 'together' as in serious boy-girl romance. So I won't be projecting all that romantic falling in love bullshit on him, like I did with A. I know most of S's emotional liabilities, for a start.
I think I can be good, and will have to just make damn sure I don't give us the chance to misbehave. I know I can't trust him as far as I can throw him. Thankfully... ;-)
I will have to trust myself.