Master

Master has asked me to come live with Him and his lady on weekends.

This brings up all kinds of stuff, some of it fear. Like, Husband time, cat time, shopping time, 'me' time, being seen for who I really am, my own sense of inadequacy, etc. And living in 3 separate locations. Logistically hard to do when you don't own a car, and have to bus or walk everywhere, like I do, even in a big city with reasonable public transport.

BUT, over all, I can't let any of that get in the way of what spiritually is the opportunity of a lifetime. It's all I wanted to do, spend more time with my Spiritual Master. I know that's what creates more growth than any other practice or thing I could possibly ever do.

It's also a sign that I must take seriously, of my own readiness. I'm sure He wouldn't have asked that of me if I wasn't capable of it, despite my own pathetic evasions and claims of false modesty.. He's sensitive to bullshit like nobody I've ever met before. So, there must be a significant change He's feeling in me and my attitude.

I guess in a way the relationship to a Spiritual Master isn't that far off the sexual master/slave relationship, which is why I want to write about it here. Surrender, trust, and giving yourself over to the control of another person, and it seems to anybody unfamiliar with it about the stupidest thing you could ever do.

There is a kind of yoga called 'bhakti' yoga, the yoga of devotion. I feel sometimes when I read the occasional account of the slave/master relationship, or hear about it from friends, that this is a form of bhakti. Giving over self, for the sake of love.

Only in this case, it's somebody who is Enlightened, and pretty much fully Mastered of their own lives, on all kinds of demonstrated levels. But basically, for the bhakta, it's very similar, at least in theory, if not in practice.
Devotion is my natural disposition, and a lot of people see that as a weakness. It isn't. I am finally becoming comfortable with that, and feeling the power in it. I am devoted to my Master. I love him. He is not in any sense an ordinary man.

Lots of people worry about the issues of possible abuse from a spiritual master, there are so many stories of such abuse that it's sickening. People who call themselves Master, take on the role and fall way short in practice. I suppose if you are in a sexual relationship already, and that's the point, it takes away a few things to be scared of.

I am not in any kind of sexual relationship with my spiritual Master, never have been, nor do I intend to be. I don't have those feelings for Him at all. I don't sense any kind of hint at that, either. I have lain in bed on Saturday morning with Master and cuddled, when He stayed over at my house, and once when I visited Him before he moved to our city some years back, we lay on his bed, talking, for hours. I feel I am safe enough. He has earned my trust. We have talked about that when it came up recently that a female friend of ours wanted to sleep with him. He didn't abuse that situation. He has integrity.
I confess I do still have a little fear of it though, I can feel just by my justifications, there's an 'issue' there for me, if I'm radically honest.

Husband feels I am safe enough too, and feels no sexual threat, only I think a small threat to his time with me, which is understandable, but seeing as when Master moves house soon, Husband will also be living with Him, I think we feel this is perfectly ok. That's the main reason Husband is selling the house. Which is news I haven't yet broken to any friends or family. It's been hard to go there and see that for sale sign, in front of the place that was supposed to be our place forever, and us be happy there, grow old there together, etc, and then be there knowing people have tromped through in the day, and seen all our stuff. And read the feedback from the real estate agent.
I feel more than a little violated by that. In fact, I feel fucking heartbroken. It's my home. I love that house.

No doubt it will bring up stuff for Master's partner, too, who is a dear friend of mine going back 10 years now. We have never lived together though. And she has never had to share him with another woman on a daily basis, in the house, even if non-sexual, that's bound to bring up 'stuff' for her.

Ironic, really, as we all thought Husband would be moving in with them, and I was a long way off that. Turns out, it could well be me that moves in with them first...