Choice

I am wanting to write something, but I don't really know what. About Husband. And my lack of desire. And how bad I feel about it. And about how I am realizing that it's my choice, to feel or not to feel.

I think I might be close to some kind of breakthrough. I keep coming back to what happened in the summer, and what got me out of that, was realizing that I had a choice to feel it, or to work on it, or not. I need to revisit that.

All the women I have ever been lucky enough to meet that had made that leap into their own sexuality all say the same thing. That it's personal responsibility, and a choice to do with love. If you really love a person, you can fuck them. That Tantric free-feeling love-desire isn't based on conventional lust. There's a point at which they became responsible for their own feeling, (and here's the key) regardless of who their partner was.

I know for years, that I had the sense that I was making that choice to be attracted to Husband, so it stands to logic and reason that now I am somehow not making that same choice, and I want to find out how to start feeling it again. I really believe I can. I want to make this marriage work still. It breaks my heart that I am not feeling that attraction right now.

I have mentioned before too, that my own level of desire for sex is strongly tied into my monthly cycle, and I just cannot perform when it's the wrong time of the month.
I think I think too much about it all, perhaps. If I don't feel it, I draw conclusions about that, which perhaps aren't true. I am too prone to mental analysis when I need to be feeling, instead.