Dad

Wow, it all hinges on my apparent relationship to my Dad.

I knew that in theory, and have read PLENTY of clever theories and dharma to that effect over the years, but to finally realize that, and to allow myself to feel the pain of my having always idealized the shit out of my Dad, and to allow myself to feel that my Dad is not perfect, and never will be, is a different and challenging and liberating thing.

Master said something last night to another friend of ours, about what if he died, and had all this 'pattern' he displays, left in place. Would that be important to him enough bring him back to live another life? Was it that important to him that he couldn't let that go? I got thinking about my own pattern of apparent neediness.

My Dad loves me, of course. He always has, but there have been times in my early life, and later in my teens, when he wasn't around. For years, between about 18 and 23, I had no idea where my Dad even was. He had an affair, left my mum, and the woman he was with at the time hated me, was terrified of me, felt I was a real threat to her, so he had literally nothing to do with me, for her sake.
I didn't have a phone number for him, nothing. I saw him perhaps twice during that time, when he came to find me. Even during the time when I was really deathly sick and almost died, he still didn't come to see me. And I still idealized him, made excuses, coped with it, refused to feel the pain of it, etc. And nothing has been said between us since then, about it. No excuses or apologies made, nothing. And that's ok too. There's no need. I forgive him, of course. But that doesn't mean I had processed the pain and anger of it in the right way. I had just stuffed it down and forgotten and denied it, all the while giving it far less healthy outlets without realizing what I was doing.

I might be free now, to finally stop subconsciously seeking for so many things that have been uninspected substitutes for the love that was so inconsistent and at times so unavailable, such as sex, security, money, affection, etc. I have always been a needy kind of person, and hated myself for that, because I have allowed it to lead to a life of dependence and conformity to things that I haven't wanted to conform to, and just been blindly driven by, and has even lead me into real danger at times. (I'm talking several rapes here.)

I also felt the reality last night of what my attraction to A was all about. A was literally like my Dad. Same build, etc, and my intense and obsessional sexual attraction really just was an expression of my emotional early-life need for Dad! That was a bit freaky to feel into, but I had to let myself go there, too. I just wanted to be held, (and loved and made to feel safe) basically, by a strong, athletic guy, that resembled my Dad. And not just physically, but personality-wise, too, in many ways. So fucking obvious, now I can see it.
(Interestingly, my coworker from the previous post below, was laid off on Friday! I am sad..)

I cried a lot of healing tears last night.

Imagine, if I didn't live a life that was based on neediness, and seeking reassurance and approval.

Imagine if I didn't 'need' an other.

Imagine if I was free just to give love, rather than seek it.

Imagine if I didn't feel continually disempowered by that apparent need I have always thought I had, that has never been fully satisfied. Imagine if that need was always just illusion. Imagine if I stopped hating myself for all that emotional weakness I have hated myself for over the years.

My life could look so different, (relationship, work, you name it), and that is what I will be contemplating and feeling into over the next while, as I let this one sink in.