I had a very interesting lunch with one of my coworkers. He's one of my favorites, he's a crazy fool, older guy, very smart and funny, and probably too smart for his own good, great with the quick comebacks, so you can imagine the conversations we have sometimes. He totally cracks me up. I go out to lunch with him probably about once every 6 weeks or so.
Today we veered onto the topic of sex. We usually do. He likes to talk about his past conquests, etc, and the crazy shit he got up to when he was younger. He's pretty entertaining for somebody who likes to talk about himself a lot. He's led a very interesting life. We talk about other stuff too, but that topic always comes up. I got talking about A, how complicated I got about it despite my best efforts, and the fact that I just am not cut out biologically for monogamy, and have had to face that, and that I don't think most people are, if they're really honest.
We got out of his truck to go back into the office, and he turned with a sly mischievous smile and said 'Oh great, now I have a boner. I'll be back in the office in about 5 minutes', and I burst out laughing.
I love that kind of openness, and that honesty. That's cool. I don't feel weird about that one little bit. I dig it. I know there are a lot of women that would get all uncomfortable, but he's a really cool guy, and what you see is what you get. I am comfortable with it. And ok, he's attractive, yes. If he was 20 years younger, you know we'd get into trouble.. ;-) He's still a reasonably attractive guy, despite a 20+ year age difference, and him being probably 40lbs past his best. I like to give him a little energy once in a while, as a reasonably attractive woman, it's a gift I can give him. It's interesting, some guys, that would weird me out. Too much like 'Dad'. He's not, despite his age. I have to admit it, I could definitely fuck the guy! I was also a little turned on by our conversation.
Back to this white guy thing I've mentioned, and the uptightess. He's only 1/4 Caucasian, and 3/4 Native American. He's a lot less uptight, and I think that's a good part of the reason for it. The other 1/4 is German, and my own experience tells me Germans are pretty kinky, over all. It's a definite cultural stereotype, I know. I've only ever had 2 German lovers, but... They were both pretty fun! (One also had the biggest cock I have ever encountered!) I know a lot of really hot Native American guys, too, come to think of it.
Slightly off topic, but I haven't slept with too many guys that weren't white. One black guy, and Husband who's Jewish, does that count? I am kind of ashamed of that. It's more a reflection of where I grew up, than my sexual preferences. There was only one black guy in my entire high school the whole time I was there, and no, it wasn't him I slept with.
I also realized something else last night, I was sitting with Master, (who isn't white, incidentally), and a huge wave of sadness hit me, I have never let go of a single lover. Not really. I have a very idealized memory of a lot of my past boyfriends, remembering what was good, not remembering what was bad. It's very idealistic. I think I just was never able to face my own lack of being able to love, or theirs, and just idealized the shit out of my past memories, as a defense mechanism. Well, time to move on. I let go.
Yes, I have been having the stupidly crazy and unhealthily suicidal urge to email A again, too, after the dream I had of having sex with him. Bad, I know. I really would be in for more pain and rejection and fucking my life up again, and at best, horrifically embarrassing myself. I wouldn't do it, but I think I need to admit as much out loud.
Hello, my name is xxxxx and I am an addict.
Only addicts do that stupid shit, don't they? Go back to the drug that almost killed them?
I quit 5 months ago. One day at a time.
God, give me the serenity to accept the men I cannot fuck, the courage to love the ones I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Love can only really be about present time, can't it? Anything else is imagination, idealism, and probably some kind of neurosis. Mind, creating false or idealized memory, projections, transferences. There was a reason all those previous relationships didn't last. I deliberately and intentionally forget those reasons, I feel. Too fucking painful. I'd have to face too much about myself, possibly.
I think I'm getting less scared of feeling the pain, and more willing to feel plain old reality, as it is. I am in recovery. I can feel there's a 'hit' I am getting from my coworker though. An emotional high from hearing I turn the guy on, and feeling that energy between us.
I need to watch that. (For one thing, I'd hate to give the dude another heart attack!) I need to disengage for the moment, and do something other than my own natural pattern of promiscuity, getting energy and attention from any other man than Husband, whom I love.
I do actually want to make my marriage work.
For ME, feeding that pattern is NOT healthy. For me. And that is not a conventionally 'moral' choice for me, just the truth of my feeling where I want my life to go, and where I don't.
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