Fearlessness

Master was home when I got there last night, which was awesome.. I took him out for sushi, and he confronted me with 'when are you going to stop letting fear dictating your life?' He did the universal sign for blinkers, and said 'This is your life', and opened his arms wide, 'this is mine, I'm free my Love'.

He sat with about 10 of us last night at Husband's, the most intimate gathering of Lovers, so sweet. I got taken out of myself and shown the ways that fear has totally dictated most of my life-decisions. Suddenly I could see the pattern, the contractedness that my life has become. The blinkeredness. 'I' am kept in place by my fear. Ego IS fear. I can't be defended about that any more.

I see what it requires to wake up, total fearlessness.

Master is fearless, it's true. I've known him for 10 years now, and can honestly say, nothing he has done with his life has been about fear. And he has lived an extraordinary life, made some hard decisions, big changes, given up a lot, been very courageous.

And here am I, so self-protective. Safe job, can't let go of my attachment to Husband, cat, etc. I could feel the dullness, the mediocrity last night. The clinging.

What if I let go? Not necessarily of my job, or of husband, but of my sense of fear and attachment and need. Everything that stops happiness dead in it's tracks.
I think that's what real renunciation is. Not the thing itself, but your attitude about it. Like one of our friends said a few days ago, real renunciation is hard. Even ego can stop having sex, eating meat, etc, and still you are an uptight asshole. That is not renunciation. That is suppression.

To have your Master come to live in your house? As my ex is fond of saying when really weird shit happens, 'How would you interpret that if you dreamt it?' How indeed.

I dreamt last night that Master bought me an old beige VW camper van, like one of my important mentors used to drive years ago, and he had it all done up ala MTV Pimp My Ride... I drove off, a little nervous, but...