How depressing is this?? I got sent one of those emails by a coworker, all the old faves and how they've aged. You know, a supposedly funny snipe at the stars that might make us sad normal people feel somehow better about our own sagging stomachs and graying hair. Val Kilmer was the most depressing, I have always had a thing for him since the Doors movie.Well, Husband's still looking pretty ok for an almost 50 year old! I have to say. And thank God for that. He's in much better shape than Kilmer! And after our trip abroad, he has a nice tan now...
I was ruminating on our cute UPS guy again yesterday, after he said he missed me, which made me smile. I realized he's so much like a guy I used to date in school, Jeff. Jeff was weird. We dated for months, and he wouldn't even kiss me. We split up, we dated again for a few months, and he still wouldn't have anything to do with me sexually. Of course, I got fed up with that, and dumped him! That haunted me for a long while, what was wrong with me that he wasn't interested? Why date a girl and not want to go there??
But it struck me, Mike is like Jeff a lot, in looks and energy. Very pretty, and very polite. Somehow I imagine he's a bit like Jeff. Or not. I have also imagined him not being like Jeff. ;-)
But whatever my speculations, it's brought to my attention how I sometimes get attracted to guys that aren't attracted to me, or don't want to fuck me, even if they say they do.
I also dated a guy like that just before I met Husband. Dave. He was much younger than me, and very pretty. He was a sexual non-starter. Totally. That lasted a week.
My very first ever boyfriend when I was 13, Sean, wouldn't go there. He dumped me for the born-again Christian bitch (and she was a bitch, that was the general consensus) he had dated previously, as she was a 'nice' girl and I wasn't. I wanted that hand down my pants, and that freaked him out. She didn't. When you're 13 and totally in lust and infatuation, that shit really hurts, and stays with you...
My question, why bother dating a girl if you don't want to fuck them? Seriously? As a woman, and all the mythology we get culturally indoctrinated with about guys being total horndogs and wanting to fuck anything that moves, it's a real affront to the female ego to meet a guy who doesn't want to fuck you, let me tell you!!
Like A, for example. Same thing there. Strung me along for months, (ok, I also strung myself along too! But let's face it, it takes 2), and spent one weekend fucking me senseless, then decided I wasn't his 'type'. Mmm, thanks for that, you fucking New Age crystal-loving asshole.
Husband, too, has a more monkish disposition sometimes, he'd rather meditate than fuck, more often than not. He's been better lately. I think he did some soul-searching last summer, after my affair with A.
Is that male myth really true? I can't say I know if it is or not. I have been karmically disposed to being with guys that plain old couldn't or didn't want to give me the good hard regular fucking I need.
John did, my boyfriend between about 16 and 19. He was pretty good at that. But crap at a lot of other things.
Is it me?
As my dear friend K pointed out after reading this post, (I love you!!), or at he least reminded me, I have an inner Puritan, despite my better judgment, and she seems to take over when manifesting men in my life. K also suggested I go find myself some big, hairy, leather-clad, long-haired biker dude that thinks that listening to Black Sabbath's first album is a spiritual experience, and get myself laid one time. It would probably do me a lot of good.
K also said I have the body of a schoolgirl and the mind of an old whore.. I like that!
I'm not sure that I have that level of emotional detachment though, that's the thing. I have had a few one night stands, but generally, my hormones kick in, and I want to nest with the guy I just tried to make babies with, and things get weird. I wish I didn't have that chemistry flowing round my system, life would be easier and a lot more fun if I didn't!
I have always had a lot of self-doubt, based on those early sexual experiences. It's a painful place to be in. It's been part of what's led to a lot of searching and heartbreak and promiscuity, I realize. I have always felt that there was something wrong with me. Perhaps there isn't, after all. Perhaps it's not me. Or at least, not my own sexual attractiveness.
Perhaps there are just a lot of guys out there that aren't as into sex as the myth would have us believe.
I'm going to try thinking that for a while, that perhaps it's not my sexual attractiveness that's in question here, and see what changes.
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