Anger

Been plowing through sludge these last few days. It all feels hard at the moment, and I worry that Master is going to kick my ass for that, and demand I start doing something else than struggle with all of this. That's easier said than done.

I spent the weekend on retreat with him and about 7 others, (including Husband) and it was a hard weekend. I was clingy, insecure, miserable, tired, feeling so sad about the shift in my relationship with Husband. It was awkward, and I wasn't ready for that. And I was just not 'getting it', when everybody else was, and having breakthrough moments, which of course just reinforced my own collapse and sense of inadequacy.

Master kept emphasizing responsibility, and how I wasn't being responsible with my feelings.

I know what he's saying is right, and I know what people will think if they read this, that I'm being too hard on myself, etc, etc. Well, yes. And no.
I am chronically hard on myself, but I do know better than to believe my own sense of sadness, inadequacy, etc, and I have had moments of incredible Grace in the past that did allow me to move very quickly through such stuff. I have seen that it's indeed possible to live like a Saint. I have to affirm that. (And not in any New Agey sense.)

I can't allow that self-indulgent collapse, that is what I have done my entire life, and it hasn't worked. I have only suffered it, and I'm done suffering that. So I DO need to come up to the mark, and move through this shit. This is the lesson. It's like Master said, the world has and endless supply of pain it can dish out to me, until I get that I am not the victim. Victimhood is the sign of separation, duality, the belief that there is somehow an 'other' that is responsible. It's an excuse. That is never going to heal the pain I have felt my whole life.

The common denominator in all that pain is me. I just don't understand yet how to consciously change it.

And my fear of feeling anger is what is stopping that. Until I started writing this post this morning, I hadn't even figured out how angry I was! It feels good, it feels like now I can move on though to another stage of the grief. Anger brings honesty, and some people are going to be getting some of that from me.

I didn't wear my wedding ring, and nobody commented, but you can bet they would have if I had worn it. I wore it in work again today, because I'm just not ready to go there. And we're still legally married, I'm entitled to wear it. I want to wear it. I want to be married, I don't want this divorce thing to happen!!!

I have enjoyed a great bitch-fest this afternoon with a gf of mine who knows Husband, it's done me good, to get some of the anger out! She's so straight and honest and blunt, and I have been laughing my ass off. Sometimes just a good old bitch-fest really helps.

Fuck being so spiritually pc about all this. Let's just have some brutal honesty instead, and laugh, shall we?