Date

Wow.. I think I was just asked on a date by my coworker, of which I've spoken here before. Hhmmmm..

Do I want to go to see some music on Friday? Um, yeah.. Trouble is, Sister is taking me out after work, but if that falls through, which it might, I said yes I would!
I hope I didn't sound like I didn't want to, I was just taken back a bit in the moment. I got a bit surprised and tongue-tied. I guess word's got round the office that I'm single again. Not wearing my wedding ring might be a give-away.

I realize we've never really had a conversation that lasted more than about 5 minutes. I know next to nothing about him! Well, I guess I'll get the chance to find out! Is it smart to go on a date with a coworker? Is it a 'date' date? Am I reading too much into it? Probably.

(Jesus, why does it feel so scary?? I have that rollercoaster-in-the-stomach feeling now.)

Good, something else to obsess about for a while besides the damn UPS guy. Been driving myself crazy for the last week again. Mind, too much mind by far. And too much loneliness. Thinking is bad for me. I do way too much of it. It's unhealthy. All this projecting going on, when nothing is apparent in the moment, and all is there for pure conjecture. Silly, huh? Why do we spend so much time living in an imagined future? A fantasy? There's nothing real or true about any of it.

Part of my email to Master on Saturday. See the contrast between being stuck in mind and ego, and being given over to bliss? Very black and white. Can't say I'm on the right end of that today. But that's what Master is calling us to, to live more responsibly in the moment, less in mind and fantasy and projection.

And I know one thing, I cannot allow myself to get into a 'thing', with anybody.
***

I had a lot of mind to begin [the evening], but the memory came back [of having a taste of no-mind] and I let it drop into silence, then an image came, getting stronger, of my body turning to Light and I finally saw who I really am! Indescribable... How could I possibly continue not to love myself now? Then attention turned back to God and it felt literally like the direction of the wind changed, away from ego, away from my attachment to [Husband], away from everything except God.
I keep coming back to the fact that everything you say is utterly true. I can never let myself be anything but that, that Light who you also are. I love you so much, more than anything! I felt myself give up my ordinary ego-destiny and accept my life as being given over to God now, happily!!!