Death

Husband asked for the divorce on Saturday. We agreed to wait a while, as putting the cat to sleep at the weekend was a bit too close to that for comfort. He is so sensitive like that sometimes. Couldn't have given it a few weeks, even.

I guess it's been like watching a tree fall in the forest this last year. Random branches may catch it, but inevitably, one day, it just falls to the ground. I have been falling for the last year.

Well, the 2 things I was most dreading happening have happened, and I'm actually still standing, despite all that falling. There's some power in that. And there's also a sense of the weird twist fate sometimes brings, of manifesting your worst fears for you.

I just didn't expect to lose my 2 dearest loves, my 2 best friends, over the same fucking weekend. He says he still loves me, and I believe that to be true, but... He is a touch idealistic in expecting me to be ok with all of this. I am not. He seems to be. He is handling his end of this like a grown up. Which I suppose is good, but I would have liked to have seen some sign of not-okness. Not that I would ever want to see him sad, but I just want to know that he's not totally out of touch with his feelings, because that shit catches you up, trust me.

Putting the cat to sleep was traumatic. They sedate them first, then give the shot that stops their little hearts beating. She protested, went down with a fight, and a look on her face that said she was angry, scared and feeling betrayed, as she felt the drugs taking over. She didn't close her eyes, it wasn't some peaceful beautiful thing. The vet prodded and poked, and spoke too loudly and scared her, then stabbed her with 3 big, sharp needles.
All I could do was stroke her gently, speaking softly, telling her I loved her. Master was there, which was very sweet. He held his hand on her head when she died, and said afterwards that he felt a series of electrical shocks, tiny lightning bolts, enter his hand from her head, just after her breathing stopped. He said she was scared when she realized she had died, but that fear soon passed.

And I can't help wondering if Husband pushed that forward for his own convenience. But, that is likely my own paranoia, and she was in pain, and was old, and was tired, and was probably only hanging on for me, for us. So, I had to let her go.

She bled a lot, after she died. I wasn't expecting that. Her mouth and nose ran with blood, and that really disturbed me. Death, when you read about it in horror novels, always has a smell. It does, they don't make that up. It's an almost sweet smell, and stays in your mouth and nose a while after you leave the room.
We haven't buried her yet, for various reasons, one being Master's instructions, and one being that we both know the life doesn't immediately leave the body, just because the physical signs stop. It takes a while, several days. So we wanted to give her that while to lie in peace, before we put her in a hole in the garden by herself later tonight.

I was over there last night, and the house was so damn quiet. No clicking claws on the wood floor. No snoring. No crunching of dried food, no thump-thump as she came down the stairs to see us.

Well, at least I have my apartment. That is a blessing. Going there seems like going to a different world, my own space, in which I can take a break from all this madness, and watch stupid movies, like The Invention of Lying.

I am burning up, with all the emotion and energy in my body lately. I can feel heat in me, as a constant, and feel in a totally different relationship with my own body now. It actually feels good, and I can see why the Great Ones have caused crisis in their devotees and followers, because it allows for feeling to fully open, and feeling anything to it's intensity, and allowing it, is liberation from it.