Just Free

I spent another evening with Master again. That's 4 nights in a row, and he wants to sit again on Saturday. My awakening is guaranteed at this point.

I had a big confrontation with mind and thought and my own ideas about sex last night. As Master and I lay cuddled up on the bed, I started feeling the energy turn VERY sexual, (I mean, like nothing on earth!! Crazy intense!!). As I have said, it's felt taboo to feel that around him, as he's older, overweight, losing his hair, etc, so to my mind, not exactly sexy.
Had to let all that go last night, my ideas about it, because what was going on was about the most amazing sex I've ever had, and we didn't even do anything!! The energy from him just took me over, and totally opened up my whole energy-body, from top to bottom. There was no room for any mind about it, any thoughts about where it was going.
Just intense heat and exquisite pleasure in my lower belly, clit, vagina, and up my spine, and my lower chakras were on FIRE. Didn't have an orgasm, but that wasn't the point. There was so much pleasure, I think an orgasm would even have diminished it somewhat.
I felt my 'kidney chi' for the first time. NOW I can see why acupuncturists talk so much about kidney chi... Holy shit!

And it wasn't 'about' Master, or 'my' response 'to' him, just feeling my own energy expanding, becoming free, because HIS was free, and allowing me to do that, to let go.

Towards the end of the night there were tears, as I confessed my fear of rape, of being that open around guys who couldn't have integrity about it, and have taken advantage of me. I was raped in my early teens, which was how I lost my virginity. NOTHING leaves you feeling as powerless as rape.

It was pretty hard to let go last night, get past all that mind and fear, and trust that he wasn't going to try and fuck me, but he didn't, he just lay there, not moving, just gently stroking my back, I don't even think he was hard. He was just free.
Fucking amazing.

I had that same experience, though to a slightly lesser degree, over that crazy July 4th weekend with A last year. He also managed to fuck me energetically, just by opening up his chakras when we were stoned watching a movie on the couch together, our bodies not even touching. Now I'm remembering why it was so very hard to get over him! OOOOOHH for a man that can do that for me on a regular basis!!
But maybe the point is, I can do it for myself?? It just has to become stable, I just have to learn how. Retrain my body.
That's what this time with Master's one on one instruction has been about, retraining my body to feel pleasure, bliss, ecstasy, freedom.

I couldn't resist a little flirt with the UPS guy today. I have been good, been keeping it to myself, for fear of letting my life get all complicated and embarrassing myself hideously, etc, etc, but today, he delivered a ton of packages, and I just looked up with mock-innocence and total mischief on my face, and said "Now that will keep me out of trouble for a while. It takes a lot to keep me out of trouble, getting into trouble is something I'm pretty good at."
The look on his face was worth the risk. I got a wave when he went past my window again 5 mins later on the way out of the building. He doesn't usually do that. He's usually pretty shy and business-like. (Shy guys are SO hot sometimes!! It totally brings out the mischievous side of me.)