I realized that I didn't have to be anywhere last night, except where I wanted to be! No cat to feed, no Husband to be around for. So I optimistically and excitedly got on a bus and went across town to the mall I like to shop in once in a while. I ate dinner alone, and felt like the sad single person, everybody else was in pairs, lovers, mothers and daughters, etc. And me.
The girl seating me said 'Just one?' Yes, 'just' one, bitch. Fuck you.
It didn't cheer me up. I ate too much and felt fat. Didn't find any clothes I liked. Then I got home and watched Where The Wild Things Are, which was another total downer. What a fucked up movie. Everybody's unhappy and neurotic. Blah. And I had been looking forward to seeing it, as I loved the book so much. No doubt if I had been in a better mood, I might have loved it.
My own Wild Things are out in force today, running rampant in my mind, being neurotic and angry and sad and feeling unloved and lonely. It was the perfect movie. Yes, I am wallowing a bit. But fuck it, I'm allowed.
At least this weekend I will have company. Master wants us all on retreat together all weekend, which might be a blessing, not to have to be all alone. Or it could be hell. The house where we're gathering is always freezing cold, and the chairs are hard. And Husband will be there. And I'll have to deal with that.
I have PMS. I want to curl up in the fetal position in bed all day and eat chocolate and cry. My first expedition into single life didn't work out so well. I am just really glad it's spring, and that the summer evenings are on the way, so at least I can get out, and not be alone for hours in the cold and dark.
I have also been pondering the thought that now I am technically 'free' I am terrified of the possibility of having to have sex with somebody new. Do I want that? I always thought I did!! All these years of marriage, looking at other guys. I have been 'good', until last summer with A, and now, when faced the the freedom of Husband telling me that it's over, and that he's ok with me finding another lover, I'm fucking terrified!
I have put weight on, I feel ugly and fat and I am 10 years older than when I last did this, almost 40 now. Things have sagged and got cellulite on them. My pants are all too small and I have muffin-top. Even my pussy looks fat this morning. Perhaps it looks better not shaved!
I wish I didn't want to eat when I'm stressed, but unfortunately, I'm a comfort-eater.
Even the sexy UPS guy didn't cheer me up this morning.
Plus there's all the emotional baggage I have. It would just feel 'wrong' at the moment. I don't want to be in any kind of committed relationship, either, and have to face the limitations and ego of another guy. Nobody's perfect. I don't want the let-down of that moment when you first see the limitations of somebody. Plus I would be comparing them to Husband. Maybe not sexually, but personality-wise. Plus I really don't want to be in that situation of dependency again, and that's the big thing. Letting all the rest of your life and personality go to hell in a hand-basket, that doesn't fit into the relationship boundaries. I just can't do that monogamous boy-girl thing again. And maybe that's the point of all this. The lesson.
Then there's diseases, something else I worry about.
I just miss my companion, though. Husband has been such a great friend over the years, he really has. I miss him! I hate that I will miss him a lot more, probably, before I'm through this.
Oh fuck. Sorry, what a sad, self-indulgent post... I will be better soon, feeling happier again. No doubt I'll find somebody for casual sex soon, and will write all about it, and sound more cheerful and interesting.
My astrologer-friend called yesterday, and said that he thinks Husband will be humbly crawling back by June, (IF I want him back) but I don't know that he will. He seems pretty determined to be single again, although Astrologer has hardly ever been wrong about anything in these last 15 years!
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