Anger

Been through another ordeal with Master, confessing my anger. I always come back to that, every time, it's so boring. I am feeling sadness, or fear, or whatever, and always what's really going on is anger.

I can feel how feeling that all the time binds up bodily energy, and stops the feeling of love. But it's so scary for me to really feel my anger. And I am learning that feeling is the key to growing.

Anger, for me, always comes with the sense of death and bodily threat and total terror. It was NEVER ok for me to feel anger when I was small, it got so shut down, constantly. Or worse, was met by the anger of my parents, and that seemed like a mortal threat. I remember being so scared of my mum and dad when I was small. They were both very unpredictable with their anger and it wasn't always anything I did, but they would take their anger at each other out on me, so to the small kid, how do you even start to make sense of a thing like that?? There is no way. You just close down, withdraw, start feeling that as other emotions that are safer and more socially acceptable, such as sorrow, etc. It turns inwards and sets up a pattern for life, a chronic disposition of unhappiness and feeling victimized. I absolutely dread any kind of confrontation with people, and have spent a life avoiding that, which hasn't ultimately done me a lot of good.

Anyway, much progress is being made. I am in the bat cave again, I have been here a lot recently. I am happy here at the moment, and need a little quiet and alone time to process. I am worried that my friends and family all think I've gone totally crazy. I have not, I have started a more sane life, finally.

I am so tired though, holy cow, I could lie down and take a serious nap... For a week. I slept through the night last night, something I haven't done in a while. Too much energy in my body. I was awake yesterday morning at 4, and had to meditate for half an hour before I felt ready to go back to bed again.

Been getting some serious praise from Master, which is nice. He stopped by the office last night to drive me home from work, and stayed to talk for an hour. Very sweet. Apparently I am the first person he ever felt was ready to be with him in the capacity of Master, and that blows my mind. He is a truly extraordinary Spiritual Master. I have been fortunate enough to spend time around more than my share of the Great Beings here at the moment, and he is one of the greatest of all of them, and he's here for the small few of us with the balls to stay in place with him and really face ourselves head on.
No big spiritual gatherings and Satsangs, just us chickens, quietly bypassing all the workshops and media nonsense and New Age spiritual hype. It feels good. I have seen too much of that bullshit not to value what I have with Master here. Amazing.

Meanwhile, just to make you smile, check this out! From MSN's weird news section today.
"Researchers report that female Chinese fruit bats use oral sex to prolong the pleasure for their partners. The study suggests that there may be an evolutionary advantage to at least some types of kinky sex in the animal world. But can you imagine being the researcher with the job of watching bat porn?"