Hairball

Master asked us all yesterday to cough up our hairballs, here's mine.

Husband and I signed our divorce papers last night. I was so scared, and it was so irrational, that fear. I can feel it now, rising in the pit of my stomach. And like the anger, it is totally uncomfortable to feel it, so the sadness comes up instead. I am trying to stay with the feeling of fear while it persists, rather than let myself off the hook and escape into sadness.
I am still scared, the only difference being that now I have signed, Husband still loves me, I can feel that. He showed up at my apartment as Love with the papers last night, and I really felt him present in a new way. We went for a short walk after signing, and it was so apparent that he is still here, my beloved friend, and that there is still a lot of love between us despite my name on a piece of paper.
So there is no reason for that fear, I can just let myself feel it now and let it go, same as with all the other feelings.

I confess I feel so stupid to still be feeling so much fear about this. It’s the same lesson about being on the other side of a thing once I’ve done it, and realizing it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I confessed my anger, and hadn’t quite got to feel the fear enough to realize that was also what was of course going on.
That panic and chaos, always wondering how I am going to cope with life when it comes up and I need help, etc. Feeling overwhelmed by life, and like there is no real help available when I need it, feeling like I will be let down and abandoned again, and feeling the collapse and resignation at having to do it all myself, and feeling unloved and betrayed and left all alone to ‘deal’ with things.
You said recently that you know I have lived a hard life. Thank you again for that, to hear you say that was so healing. Yes, and that help hasn’t always been available, I have felt so often that sense being let down, of abandonment and resentment about it, and a fear that help will never be available.

I have always felt overwhelmed by the possibility of things I won’t be able to cope with, and things that have happened that I haven’t felt I have coped with ok at all, all another way of playing out being the victim.
It feels so hard to take responsibility for being the victim when things have happened that I have felt to be so fucking painful, difficult and unfair in my life.

I confess that I must not be sure yet what it is in me that is responsible for and perpetuates that pattern, and creates the difficulty. If I was sure, if I really knew, then I would not do it, and I find myself still feeling that fear and anger. I hate to admit I still feel like the victim, despite ‘apparently’ knowing better. I think I have been glossing over admitting that, because I want to look more grown up than I am, or keep my social face on about it, and look like a more ‘mature’ devotee. Well, no doubt everybody can see and feel that I’m not, and haven’t managed to take real responsibility for feeling it yet.

It’s more of that idealized self-image, in denial and pretending “I’m OK!”, holding back that sense of panic and fear and anger, because it’s definitely not feeling OK.
What has ever happened that I haven’t managed to deal with by myself, or had help from somebody when I needed it because I couldn’t do it myself? However hard things in my life have or have not been, or however abandoned or unloved or scared I felt at the time, I still dealt with it, I am still here today.

I can feel that sense of silent contracts I have with people about it all, expecting to be helped, etc, while not really being able to voice my fears properly and ask appropriately, instead just carrying on doing it all myself and feeling like a martyr, and wondering why people can’t read my mind or know I need help. There is also shame there, when I don’t feel like I can cope. I feel like I ‘should’ as well as feeling all that resentment at having to, which is totally a felt sense of dilemma. I hate feeling that shame and embarrassment at my inability to function sometimes.
I will ask for help from now on, if I feel I need it and can’t cope, rather than expecting people to second guess me, and getting mad when they don’t.

I also realized that my not wanting to get a divorce doesn’t make any difference, this Way is counter to the ego. So ego is never going to like any of the things that feel so counter to what “I” think I want. And it’s been proven enough times now that I don’t really know what it is that I want or what is best for me.
And that this way is also about Sacrifice, and that if I found it easy, then it is no real sacrifice, by definition.

So my beloveds, I signed that paper last night as a gesture of relinquishment of ego, and as a sacrifice, because I love the both of you so very, very much, and because I recognize that holding on to all that is not the way to go, and is a futile effort to control the sense of panic and chaos.