I found a new apartment last night, after a few months of a horrifically noisy new upstairs neighbour, I am ready to move on. She has been a great catalyst in helping me come to that place, it's obvious I can't stay there, my sleep pattern has been totally shifted, she gets up at 5.30am, and I can hear every move she makes, 7ft above my head.
New neighbourhood, new start. I have been in the womb this last year, in my apartment after moving out of Husband's, and am ready for rebirth. I don't have to live in the same part of town any more. Time to leave some ghosts behind.
It is a great place, a million dollar lake view, top floor, (so no more upstairs neighbours), and the manager is nice. It's on a very pretty quiet residential street, in a nice busy vibrant 'hip' part of town, a nice change from the traffic and noise of where I am now, which is a main street with all the sirens, motorcycles, etc. It's $100 more a month, but a definite step up!! Worth the extra money.
We all celebrated Guru Purnima yesterday. Master was looking resplendent with a beautiful flower mala, and is really beginning to shift into 'Guru' mode! And along with that, is the intense shift in energy!! Holy shit.. The room just changes into the most amazing magical place... People weep, get ecstatic, cathartic, blown away. All 10 of us. So intimate and incredible.
So much has happened since I last wrote a post. Master has a new house. It is amazing. Very huge and cavernous and well appointed. It's quite a trek from my current apartment, and as I have badly twisted my ankle and have spent the last 10 days on crutches, I have spent a lot of money on taxis. Husband and I have been forbidden any contact. No rides over there together, nothing, so I am making my way through life by myself right now, and it's a little scary.
When I bust my ankle, I didn't ask Master, but spent a few days at Husband's, being taken care of. (Fuck, I felt I had to, couldn't even get up to piss by myself! With Master's move, there was nowhere else to go.)
So Master tore us both a new one. Dependency, dependency, dependency. That's exactly what Master had been trying to break us of! It didn't go down too well. That and the not asking him part. I think that was the key, I didn't ask Master about it. Just went and did my 'thing', which was to go running straight back to Husband... Pitiful.
I am a bit daunted though, moving house, possible surgery required on my leg in the next few weeks, and a trip home scheduled for September!
Trying to be independent and living alone on crutches is no fun, it's been a tough week. I have been pushed to the limits at times, scared, vulnerable, hungry with no way to get groceries or prepare food, etc. Mainly because Master and several others moving in with him have been moving house, and nobody has had time for me. But it has been a valuable lesson. I have such a fear of asking for help, and just tend to create situations like this where I have to have help, and become dependent on people. It's been pretty painful to see it. The perfect storm.
So my new place is closer to Master's place. It is still 2 bus rides, but far easier, and still accessible to work. I will have to get up 20 mins earlier, but that's ok. I have been spoiled for the longest time with a very easy commute, and that's over, but... It feels like a good trade. A new start. Master wants me to get a car, and internet at home, but how the fuck I can afford that if I'm paying another $100 for rent per month, I don't know!!
I guess I should spend less on the rent, really, but the other places I have seen for less have been total shit holes. Tiny, cramped, ant-like hive-spaces, or old places with no amenities and in dire need of modernization. This was the first place I saw that was anything like decent! Sunny, spacious, quiet, nice view, dishwasher, extra bedroom, large deck.
Time to move through my limitations on what I believe I 'deserve', and start living a less limited life. I have savings! Divorce money. It's not like I really can't afford it. I am just scared.
Holy fuck, when I think about how my life has changed this last year!!!
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