Forward

I am doing something today that Master would probably kick my ass into next week for. Getting a ride somewhere after work with cute coworker. HHmm.. Feeling a bit like a big fat stinking hypocrite, but then, I need a ride. And he offered. Argh... Such is the parasite.

I might ask him to pull the car over and end up fucking his brains out in a parking lot somewhere. OK, maybe not. I'm not that brave. And people would miss us. But don't think it won't be on my mind.
Jeezus, where did my courage go? 10 years ago, we'd be in the office supply closet by now, fucking like monkeys. That was how I got husband, I seduced him! I made the move! Gone is my courage, down the drain for now at least. Or maybe that's a lesson too. If a guy wants me enough, enough to matter, perhaps I should wait. (And I mean that for the sake of my own self esteem here, not any stupid moral thing). Do I really want that? I don't think I want that either. Oh, I dunno what the fuck it is I want any more.

I think I am in heat again this week. Even our annoying whistling Fedex driver is looking hot today. And he is a dick, not in the good sense of the word, either.

This business of literally learning to stand on my own two feet again is fucking tiresome. I would say I have had enough, but there is no other option available to me than forward, really. Grace has provided no other means of support for me than myself at the moment. A huge lesson.

Master would say something like "if all this is a mirror, what are you reflecting back to yourself?" I don't think I want to know, but as the mirror gets cleaner, it's harder not to see it.