I am still on crutches, but starting to heal after an operation last week.
Master came and got me from the hospital, and took good care of me for the day. I stayed over at His house.
Imagine, if Buddha or Jesus or the Dalai Lama came and did that for you.
That might sound like an overstatement, or some kind of religious offense to some people, but you'd have to know Master. It's not an overstatement to say that Master is a Realizer of amazing degree. I see that more and more, I think it is because not only am I growing, but so is he. It's fascinating to be around a Realizer so intimately, and watch that process unfold, feel His energy skyrocket, sending us Lovers into swoons of bliss when he walks into the room. That happens regularly now. Miracles and a startling amount of synchronicities happen around him regularly. I wish I could share some, but I feel as this is an anonymous blog, I might give too many personal clues.
Even just as an ordinary man, even if you didn't consider the Spirit Force Master brings into the room, he is an extraordinary human being in so many other ways! Amazingly smart, a computer geek, very well read, (self-educated), kinder and straighter and more honest than anybody I have ever met. And the most awesome sense of humour!! Shit, does he make me laugh.
And he says 'motherfucker' more than anybody I know, and drinks more than most of us.
What fascinates me, is reading biographies of various great Masters, there's such freedom there from the normal 'moral' religious ideas of what we 'think' is somehow holy or not holy. If you are really free, you can accept and embrace all of life, and shy away from none of it.
He has none of this pompous self-righteousness, or no sign of life-denying asceticism or prudishness or judgment of others. He is into everything. Nothing scares or offends him.
Isn't that more holy than people that live by too many laws and limits? I think so. As Crowley (and others) have said, Do what Thou Wilt, Love is the Law. Indeed. Master is the living sign of that one.
He knows what his Will is to do, and lives only as Love, it's amazing to be around somebody so intimately for the last more than a year now, and never see them be less than what you want a man who is your Master to be. No slips, no signs of weakness or fear, nothing but love. It comes in 2 forms, tenderness and fierceness.
****
I had possibly the worst nightmare of my entire life last night. I was at Husband's house, it was at night, he wasn't there, and had left me alone with the cat. (Who at one point in the dream threw up a hairball and fell down the steps and hurt herself, fragile old thing that she was, I was always scared that she would hurt herself, and I hated to see her puke).
There was an intruder, he came upstairs with every intent to kill me. He fucked me first, and I have to say it was very erotic, as I grabbed his cock before he put it into me. He was big. I did enjoy that part, perhaps the intense fear was a factor. Shit, is that what it feels like to be raped by your killer?
Such a taboo to admit that got me so wet.
Anyway, I bit off his nose, after he said he was going to kill me. That threw him off enough, that I could get my thumbs in his eyeballs and gouge out both eyes, leaving him blind.
I somehow ran downstairs and out the front door, but he followed, and I knew if I made a sound, he would catch me and kill me on the spot. I somehow held my breath, and felt like I would suffocate, but I couldn't dare breathe in case he heard me.
Then the most amazing thing happened, I levitated and floated away from him silently, around the corner and away into the night air. All with that feeling of it being waaayyyy too slow, and the panic that I couldn't move fast enough. But I got away.
I woke up in a total cold sweat, to hear what I could swear was my front door being unlocked. Turns out I had left it open! Freaky.
***
I have developed this fear of sexual intimacy. I am terrified. I have had 2 chances to get laid in recent weeks, and they both freaked me the fuck out, and I ran away.
One was a guy at a party that Sister was setting us up on a blind date. He was kind of cute, I could have fucked him, 'but', I don't know. It felt wrong.
My excuse was the guy had so much emotional baggage, and was too talkative and domineering, and reminded me horribly of Husband's brother. Incestuous.
The other is that cute coworker I have talked about previously. We went out on a lunch date, my being on crutches, he sweetly offered to take me to lunch, as he knows I can't get out and about to eat on my lunch break.
It was lovely. He's a total sweety. I did enjoy it. But, again, I freaked out. I think there was the room there for taking that further, but I have put him off a 2nd lunch date, for now.
For one thing, Master would kick my ass into next week. I am supposed to not be forming new alliances and dependencies and patterns of ordinary life and 'relationship' with guys. For another, I think I am just in denial that my relationship with Husband is really over. If I don't have sex with anybody else, somehow there's still that relationship with him there, that tie. That goes, if Husband is no longer the last guy I fucked.
I am so not over our relationship. My heart is still broken.
For all their good advice, the conventional thing most friends are saying is 'go out and get laid', but that is far too simple and reactive of of a thing to do, and I wouldn't be feeling right about it at all. So I am balancing my intuition with my fear, and giving myself the space not to 'fuck up' (pardon the pun) , for now. Would I feel worse if I did or didn't? I would feel worse if I did.
Besides, there's not a lot I can do on crutches! I don't think I am even physically capable of it at the moment anyhow.
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