Parasite

Went on a second lunch date with my cute coworker today. He's a sweetheart. Considerate, opens doors, doesn't talk over me, etc. I like that. A big change from Husband who was every man for himself, a lot of the time.

I don't plan on getting into a 'thing' with my coworker, but it was so nice to just have some male company with a bit of sexual tension going on. Did me the world of good. Him too, I hope. He's been single a long time, as long as I have known him. Mutually beneficial. :)

I had a lovely evening snuggling with Master the other night. It was so sweet!! He just lay on my bed with me and held me, and massaged my stomach. I felt safe, it didn't feel sexual, just loving, and very intimate.
I cried, just because I haven't been held in so long. I really miss intimate physical contact. It's not just the 'sex' part, it's the cuddling, too. He fell asleep at one point. He is a huge bull of a man, and snores like a freight train. That part was hilarious.

Not much else going on, really. Still hobbling about in gimp-land with crutches, but it's got a little easier, and I hope to be off them pretty soon, at least for shorter distances. It will take some physical therapy and exercise to get back to normal, but it will happen.

Time to pack! I move at the end of this month to a new apartment, in a new part of town, away from the history I have with Husband in every cafe and on every street. Can't wait. The new landlord is kind of cute. ;-) I called a few weeks ago, and a woman picked up the phone. When I saw him, I asked who it was as subtly as I could, and he was quick to tell me that was his daughter. He's 40. (Husband being nearly 50, I have to say that's a change in the right direction.)
Talking of hot 40 year olds, check out Monk's latest blog. He's looking pretty hot too!

I am a bit overwhelmed by the prospect of packing my apartment up and the move, being as my leg is bad at the moment and it's physically difficult to do it, but, it will get handled. I will hire muscly, tanned, sleeveless men on a hot sweaty day to move all my boxes as I sit and watch.

Oh good, must be getting back to my old self again to make a comment like that. Fuck it, I DO need to get laid. Hormones must be kicking in, I am in the middle of my cycle.

I am a little scared that I will never have another chance to get laid, not with Master's fierce critique of how complicated I am, and what needs to be transcended emotionally in order for me to have some kind of functional spiritual life. He is adamant that Husband and I can have no contact with each other at this point! We get to see each other at gatherings, and as it's a small group of perhaps 10 people, there is nowhere to hide out. We can't even say hello.
I have come to the conclusion, hard as that is, and totally heartbreaking, that it's a good thing, and will allow us to move on.
If I am honest, I have had surprisingly little feelings for Husband lately, since I haven't been having any contact with him. SO much of what we call 'love' is in fact emotionalism, clinging to the past, dependency and fear and self-protection! I don't 'love' Husband, I need him! That has become somewhat painfully apparent.

I am my mother. A parasite, designed to suck energy and attention and be utterly dependent.
Freed from a lot of denial and self-delusion, I can see it all the more clearly. And that terrifies me.
That's probably my main fear about getting sexually involved again, that I will do that number all over again on my next lover. Start expecting all the trappings of a 'relationship', and to just sit there and be taken care of by the poor guy, buying all the 'love' with sex. Coworker would be a prime candidate, as he's so sweet and helpful and polite and nice. A sucker. An easy mark.

Ego. It's ugly, ain't it?