Crisis

I am having a real crisis this morning, and I think I need some time to really address it, and stop ignoring things, hoping this will go away. I have been burying my head in the sand.

It's Master. More, it's the intensity of living a life around such a person so intimately. His lady sent out an email this morning asking who of us was really serious about practice, and how disappointed she was about our apparent lack of seriousness. She can be very self-righteous and idealistic! But the tone of her email really put the frighteners on me, she was saying things like people who wanted to visit family, or move house, etc, had no real excuse not to come round and get serious, and taking a break from it all wasn't acceptable.

I'm sorry, but that's a fucking cult.  I don't hold Master responsible for that, he himself has always acted with real integrity, but her, she's 'not there yet', and I call bullshit on that.  Whether or not I have the balls to actually say anything to her about it, I don't know.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of her email, it's brought attention to my own feelings about this, and that's more to the point perhaps. 

I am having dinner with Master tonight, which with this in mind, scares me a little. I don't know what will come up, or what I am likely to say.

I would be heartbroken to lose him. I love him dearly, he has been the most loving and sweet Presence in my life for more than 10 years now, a dear, dear friend, and he has helped me more than I can tell you. BUT, there is the thing of this last year or so in his more intimate company also having been the worst time of my life, pretty much. I have let go of so fucking much. It has been so hard. I have been through a divorce, cat dying, leaving my home, 3 months of physical incapacity and pain, losing friends, feeling isolated, constantly up against the demand to do better and take no vacation from the intensity, etc.
I get the feeling that if I left this way, that would be 'it'. No contact with any of them, I would be out. There would be no half-measures.
It's happened several times already with other people. People don't deliberately ostracize people, that's not who they are, but life just gets too damn busy to think about people that are no longer around!  I know, I've done it. There was a couple that left us a while back when they couldn't face certain things about their relationship, and do I ever stay in touch with them? Hell no! Nobody told me not to. Life just gets too crazy, that's all.

The other obvious factor here is E. Yes, getting together with him has indeed changed things for me. It's not E. He is almost incidental (aside from the fact of being totally lovely and kind, and a great fuck), in an impersonal kind of way, it could be anybody. I am not ready to live my life in a small (and at this point until I can demonstrate greater responsibility, celibate) pond like she (and Master) is asking of us. I am not done with the world yet, I can't BE a monk and shut out the possibility of a normal life of having a partner, etc.
E is a catalyst for these feelings. Whether or not it 'works out' with him isn't really the issue here, it's more my realizing something about myself and my needs. Of course, I do dig him, it would be nice if it worked out, but also, nothing really 'works out' in this life in the long run, does it? It all goes, it all must be let go of, and it IS all impermanent. But why not make the most of it while it's there? I could really use the TLC!  I am drinking that up like a person in the middle of the Sahara.
Then again, I can see that life in E-land might get a bit boring after a while, once the initial buzz has worn off. He is very 'steady'. I am an aloof and unsteady Aquarian, he is a steady and patient thoughtful Virgo. I can't see him taking off for a wild and spontaneous weekend away with me in San Francisco or something, more's the pity.
Am I totally selfish? Am I in this thing just for me, taking advantage of his kindness? Am I that cynical and hurt that I can't trust my feelings again? Is my fear stopping me letting go into loving him more? Should I even be dating this guy, knowing full well that he's not the love of my life? (Is there even such a thing? What does that even look like?) Or he could well be the love of my life, only it's not all fireworks and obsession, just a quiet and gentle love and friendship. Gosh, I have so many questions about that, too. Is it ok just to go day to day? E seems perfectly fine with that, and perhaps it's ME complicating it all. Wow, imagine that. ;-) 

Then there's the thought of life without this small community of friends, and without Master. I would be so lonely, I would have so little else going on in my life, if I didn't count E. I know that things would come along to replace them, my time would fill up again, (most likely with E, and that scares me, after supposedly learning the lesson of independence and non-reliance on a partner), and I would move on.

The only other place I feel that friendship and companionship is in work, and we all know that our jobs are not guaranteed! What if I lost my job too? Not that it's likely, but.. These are the fears that come up in the night. 

Maybe I need to move on? Maybe, as ex-Husband is a part of all that, and it breaks my heart every time I see him, several times a week, I need to move on, and forget him, and get a new life. There are so many reminders there, all our friends are 'our' friends from when we were married, and had that life that I miss so much sometimes. It's fucking hard at times. Last night was hard. Seeing him there, now my ex-husband, and Master's instruction for us not to have any contact. Shit, we just got a fucking Divorce, and not a word was said. That hurt.

But last night, with Master, it all felt so simple and straight forward, release attachment, get real about practice, it's all about happiness and love, not the complication of mind I bring to every single fucking thing.
Look at the lives of the Great Ones, the ones who Awakened. People like Ramana Maharshi, Mother Meera, Mother Amma, Aleister Crowley, Buddha, any of the great Saints. They left it all behind, moved into lives of austere love and bliss and service, with no worldly attachments, so utterly gone in God, that none of this mattered.
I have been there, I have felt that on numerous occasions, but it's not stable, and never seems to be my Paul-on-the-Road-to-Damascus moment of conversion.  I slip back into ordinary life again, mind, ego, and it all goes on.. The cycle of birth and death.I now who I am beyond that.
Mind says I am not there. Yet. Fear says I am not there yet. Demonstration says I am not there yet. But where is 'there'?

That's the other thing, I do have an immense trust of Grace, in some ways. I KNOW that I will get what I need when I need it. And E is a real gift. How could he not be?
I think there has been some talk of life being shit outside the small confines of our group, and I have bought the cult-speak to some degree! Well, there are billions of people in the world, yes, mostly suffering, but some not, some doing just FINE. I had a life before Master, and no doubt I will again. Like he said himself only recently, what would we all be left with if he died? He isn't so young, he won't be here forever. But, is what faith I have, enough?

Yet Master assures us that what is on the other side is worth all this sacrifice.And I really believe it is! But is that enough?And what I gave up, was it ever really mine to start with? If ex-husband was so quick to move on, then surely I am better off anyhow.

I just don't know any more, which way is up. I need an answer. I need a sign, I need something clear and unambiguous, because I can't make this decision.
And I'm also terrified of seeing the signs, and it not being the answer I really want. Though, I don't seem to know what that is. Either way, my heart would break.

Can't I just be done with all this heartbreak for a while? I am not ready for more.