I spent Friday night at E's house, it was awesome. His kids were there, 2 teenage boys, and a friend of theirs. I loved being around all that testosterone! Lots of X-box action and loud music, it was a fun evening. He has me totally hooked on Dexter now!! What an awesome show..
We had a nice Saturday, normal, going to get a car wash, that kind of thing. I love it. My life has not been anything like 'normal' in quite some time now, so I am busy lapping up the normality of a guy who goes to get a car wash on Saturday.
I got all blissed out and heart-open after we had fabulous sex in the morning, and was just laying there, holding him, feeling all this LOVE... It was a magical moment.
He drove me to the bank, I needed to get some cash out, and we ended up in the wrong parking lot somehow, and it was only really about 20 steps I needed to take across a piece of grass to get where I needed to be, and he drove all the way round again, to get me to the right place. "No woman of mine is going to end up in the wrong parking lot!", he said playfully. I can't tell you what that did to me. Husband would have said "Take the bus to the bank!" I know, it's all new and shiny.. There is a cynical part of me, damaged from previous loves, that thinks, "Give it time, and all that will stop."
I saw him again yesterday, and felt a little stab of something, when he left at 7.30! He only got to mine about 4.30, after texting me to say he had stuff to do, and I don't know, I just felt it was a little early to leave, he said he needed to go grocery shopping. Wow, I was a bit shocked at myself that I felt that little stab of pain.. Crazy. Not cool on my part. I don't think I gave the game away that I was disappointed though.
Things are generally going really well, but I had that little 'moment' that caught me by surprise!
I spent Saturday evening with Master, and that was thoroughly blissful. I was in another realm all together, for most of the evening. My heart was wide open again, and I was feeling the sense of absolutely NO problem with anything at ALL. Everything is grace-given, as he said, and that includes E.
I have been feeling a little guilty, I guess, for not telling Master about him. But something in me said it was Perfectly Ok, and that there is no need to feel any sense of dilemma about any of it, and that what ever happens is for my own growth. Even if it all ends up looking like hell. I don't know, something in me just surrendered! Hard to explain. I gave up the fight with not feeling loved. It's obvious that Master really loves me, and E does, and where's the problem there?? Why should I continue to feel so defended against feeling anything? Even in my worst moments this last year, I didn't die. All it was was a feeling in the body, of emotion. You can't die of that, despite what it might feel like at the time.
Sister is in Europe at the moment, meeting up with a guy she met on line, and she said it's FABULOUS... And only I know. Everybody else thinks she's with a girlfriend over there! She emailed me the sweetest letter today, it made me cry. She sounds SO happy.. I am so happy for her, but she better not move to Europe! I would miss her more than anything. Wow, and she has a husband to come back to. He is the sweetest guy, I adore him, but I can see why she might want to take that trip. They are very different, and after 15 years, the differences are too much to be entirely happy with.
Fuck knows what headspace she will be in on her return. I can sympathize with that!! I will be on standby, as she has been for me so much this year.
Gawd, it's been ages since I saw her though. We haven't hung out in forever.
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