It's amazing to me, that I am attracted to E. He really is not much to look at, he's overweight, mid 40's, very average, mousy hair, but wow... The sex is amazing, and I find him inexplicably hot.
Several times now, enough to really notice it, I have come virtually straight away, despite myself, and wanting to make it last. But it hasn't mattered, I've got right back on the horse and carried on, sometimes having a 2nd or even 3rd orgasm, and I could never do that before!
I dunno, he just is built to make me come. What can I say? :-)
That has always been a thing for me, I meet a guy, love him to bits, the emotional chemistry is great, but I just don't find him sexy. That happened with my previous ex, before Husband. I adored him, I still do, we're still very close friends, but no sex chemistry whatsoever on my end of things. And I always wished there had been, and tried to make it work for 5 years.
One of life's great questions I guess, what is sexual chemistry? Whatever it is, I have it with E, and it's awesome. We have been fucking like rabbits. We can't keep our hands (or lips) off each other.
I am still in a state of equilibrium about my decision to step back from Master. A little twitchy, a little scared, but mostly ok. It doesn't feel real perhaps, or feels like I have the option to go back, I don't know. I am trying not to pay it much mind, and stay in the moment.
I need to be able to contact that spiritual energy on my own terms, feel the descent by myself, not rely on being in the room with Master to feel that.
If ANY of what I believe in is real, I need to figure it out for me. Who else can figure it out for me, if I am to Awaken? And that goes against Aeons of teachings. But, I am 'it' in this moment, there is nobody else here in my head with me to make those Aha moments come alive in me.
I still feel somewhat split, and some integration needs to happen. There is so much ego, so much mind, so many desires, all alongside this Understanding and energy that I can feel coming alive in my body.
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