I did it. I sent an email, (which was probably a chickenshit way to do it!!) to Master.
I bought myself some time. I need to get my shit straight. I said I needed to step back a bit, and take some time to assimilate everything that has happened in my life lately.
I also need to stop treating Master like 'dad' and assuming all kinds of things about the relationship, which aren't true. I think I was needing rescuing, needing a someone to hide behind, a security blanket. That's not Master's role, not the role of any Guru, and to see that has been a gift.
If I go back, I will need to do so as a more mature person, and be really ready to engage spiritual life on the right terms.
I was holding out, using him as a means to shield myself from life, and I need to meet life head on, on my own terms for a while.
And I need to not be afraid. I started to feel how being there at this time in my life was perpetuating the fear I have of life fucking up, like somehow having a Master was going to mean that life couldn't touch me, and that I would be safe. And as long as I don't confront my fears, they will be there.
Well, shit happens. Life isn't perfect, what was I doing, thinking that somehow nothing could touch me, then subconsciously blaming Master for all the stuff in my life lately. "Well, if he hadn't come along, I would still be married, and happy". What utter bullshit.
Out of my deep love for Master, I cannot continue down that path. No matter what it looks like.
He has served me more than any other person in my life ever has, and some, and I love him now more than ever, and I realize what a great Gift he has given me!!
E and I had a great conversation about it, I stayed there the weekend, and he was wonderful. He was a catalyst, yes, but we both agreed that he is not a reason, and he got that. He said what I was thinking but didn't, that he could have been anybody, and he was a means for me to see what I am not ready to give up just yet.
I am not ready to live up to many of the demands Master was asking, being single, (which by implication meant also being celibate, at least until I was more able to get past my own hangups around sex), and always being there 'on call'.
What happened, was I was feeling exhausted on Friday, I had my period, I had had to stand up most of the afternoon in work, on my bad leg, and it was aching, and I was just stressed and totally overwhelmed, and was looking forward to spending a quiet night at E's house. Master emailed us all and wanted us to go over there, and I don't know, I just could NOT face it, so I sent an email saying I was sick and couldn't make it.
One of the ladies in the group emailed me to say I was full of shit, and that it wasn't acceptable that I wasn't going to be there.
That was the last straw.
Plus ex-Husband is there, and seeing him several times a week has got so painful, it's time to make a clean break there, too.
Master, of course, understood, and said the same thing as me, that this was ok, and that there is only God anyhow, and that He would always love me, and it wasn't a problem. Of course, everybody else made it a problem. But that's ok. It's between me and Master, and it feels karmically like the right thing to do at this moment, and I have his blessing.
I didn't mention E to Master, there was no obvious point to that. But now that feels clean, too, and I feel the weight lifted off. I couldn't live my double life, that wasn't honourable to either of them, and if I love either of them, then it needs to be honourable and clean.
I did go to fear about some of this, I did panic a bit on waking this morning, thinking 'Fuck, what have I done?', but that is only to be expected, I just cut my chord, grew up, faced some shit I needed to face, and now there is no safety net. Just me, and life. What Freedom.
It feels good.
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