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Loss of Self

Been enjoying this fabulous website for most of the afternoon!  Particularly amusing is a letter from Henry Rollins. The one entitled "Say that to my face".
Letters of Note.

I am going away with E for the weekend soon, to a nice little boutique hotel on the coast for a few days. Can't wait.  Birthday treat. His birthday was recently, and I wasn't around to celebrate it. I adore him, and want to spoil him rotten. 

Found myself pondering marriage the other day, and I hate to even admit this out loud, even anonymously, as it's so fucking stupid, but I think if he ever asked me, I would say yes.
A bad sign. I am smarter than that, but you know when the blues get a hold of you... and your mind doesn't let up. Thankfully, I don't think he's that kind of guy. Lucky for me. I could be spared from myself.
It shows what a pull on us that whole social conditioning thing has. Karma is a bitch. A sticky trap, designed to keep us wishing for stupid-ass things that are no good for us. Philip K Dick's Black Iron Prison, only sweeter, with walls covered in honey. 

I am just craving the security that I still haven't found inside myself yet. That is all. I know it's utter bullshit, and have to get a grip. For a start, we've only been dating 2 months. It's a rebound thing, after the immense pain of divorcing Husband. I found myself longing to hear him say the 'L word' last weekend, but was too chickenshit to say it myself. He kind of did say it, indirectly, it was sweet. (See the post below this one for details.)
I should just enjoy the feeling of being swept away, and feeling loved, and cared for, and desired, and all the other good things about this, without the neediness. I do feel loved by him, and still feel that insecurity, isn't that interesting? I am viewing myself like a giant science experiment at the moment.  ;-)
Such is the Aquarian in me. 

I deliberately didn't text him for lunch today, because I am falling into the pattern I didn't want to fall into. I went for a walk on my crutches, to try to build up some muscle, instead. I haven't spent alone time with him since Sunday. We went to lunch yesterday, but a coworker came with us, so didn't get all lovey. I am missing my E-time. He is staying the night at mine tonight. 

How do I maintain independence though, without pulling away or freaking out? I am on a knife-edge, in some ways. I admit, I am terrified of my feelings, all of them, the good ones and the ones I perceive as not so good.
I have very strong feelings for him, and could just sink into that huge heart of his. It's pretty clear that he feels the same way about me. That is what scares me. Getting lost in somebody else, losing myself, then finding it is all impermanent, that feelings fade, and all the million other ways that phase of things comes to an end. Death, betrayal, etc.
Loss of self, I think that's the big one. Letting go to the bliss of the feelings I am feeling, and allowing the pleasure of it all. Or loss of Self, letting go of the certainty I had about my spiritual path, and letting go of Master and everything he stands for. I don't know which it is. Either one is terrifying.

One of my dearest friends died very suddenly last week, too. My surrogate mom-figure. I hadn't seen her in a few years, and was thinking about her a lot recently, too, and wishing I could go see her soon. Ironic.  Never leave it too late, go see your loved ones. You never know.
I knew when she died, I felt her presence in the room, about an hour before it happened.  

   
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