Well, life being what it is, we had a shitload of snow here in the north west, and things are off the rails a bit. I stayed at E's last night, as I couldn't get home from work on public transport, it all went to hell with an inch of snow on the roads. And all the East Coast implants were complaining about NW drivers, but it was treacherous.
I was supposed to have dinner with Ex last night, but he bailed because of the snow, ironically, so I ended up being rescued by E. Not a bad twist to the story, which I think made me realize something, I think about E in my day a lot more than Ex, so.. E is more there for me, more present, and last night we had the most amazing snuggle ever, as we dropped off to sleep. I just lay there, and felt this huge cloud of love surrounding us, and every time it came and went in pulses, E would squeeze me harder, like he felt it too. It was heaven.. I felt so good, laying there, enjoying that.
Today I think I am coming down with flu, not sure, so I went home from work early, just because travel is so sucky today, and I couldn't imagine trying to get home whilst barfing all over the place like my manager did last night, and her daughter the day before that. So far, I am ok, but haven't eaten a thing. I get paranoid about puking, I hate it, so would rather starve for a few days than risk it. So, I am at home, cold, hungry and alone, with possible stomach flu yet to manifest, and it's all ok. It's peaceful. And I am happy that I know which way to take things a little better than I did a few days ago.
Ex will never change his spots, and I am falling more and more in love with E all the time. But under all that, even, is the realization that it doesn't matter, I will survive, and whoever I end up loving or being loved by, it's all good, it's not the important thing I thought it was prior to my divorce. I survived that, and a lot of other difficulties this year, and will survive what ever else comes my way, you can be sure.
The fear I had about so many things is so much less now. Whatever I talk about on here as being important, somehow it is, but not. Not in the same way any more. There is a certain sense of liberation from the importance of it all. Whether or not Ex and I, or E and I, or whoever else comes along, just doesn't have the same hold over me any more.
It's so sad to see Sister, she's in that desperate heartbroken kind of love with a guy she had an affair with, and I wish I could tell her, share my peace with her, let her know none of it matters. She sends me emails about 'what is he thinking?' and 'what should I do' and all that type of thing, a little like I was with A, her brother, a year or so ago. I wish I could transmit my state of okness to her at the moment, and tell her that it doesn't matter, but she would never believe me. I never would have.
Post a Comment