Vulnerable

Lube. It's important.  Just sayin'.  I persuaded E to switch from KY to another brand, something silicone based, it has a much better consistency, you need less of it, and it doesn't leave you feeling all gross and sticky. We ended up with some stuff called Gun Oil. I love the name. Apparently that's healthier, too, as it doesn't encourage bacteria growth like KY does. Nice. 

KY is great for hand jobs, but not for sex. We are experimenting.  And liking the results.

We also had a very interesting conversation at the weekend about my being a little bit into kink. He's cool with it. Didn't freak out and run away like A did.  He understood, and I think possibly I did a better job of talking about it than before. I learned how not to say it.

E is actually very open-minded and sees sex as a healthy, positive, fun thing, and that's pretty cool. I think apart from S, he probably has the most open mind about it, of any of my lovers over the last 15 years or so. Even Husband, for all his talk, was a little less ok with it all in practice than in theory.  E is really quite experimental, so I think we'll get there.  But at this stage of things, it's not a deal-breaker. I am quite happy with 'vanilla' for now. The vanilla is pretty good, and I am just happy to be getting some, honestly.
I know for some, kink is life or death. That's not how it is for me.  

Scientology apparently has very healthy attitudes to sex, and is quite life-affirming. He kept saying stuff about the "3rd and 4th dynamic sex engrams" that society carries, and how fucked up that is. I think in translation, that means society collectively (socially and culturally) has some complicated shit about sex that they have repressed for aeons, and has been drummed into us, for reasons of social control, by the religions institutions.  It's different words than I would use, but still the same damn truth.

I had a chat with S yesterday on MSN, and he asked what was up, he felt me disconnected and distant. I forget how tuned in he is to me sometimes. He's mega-psychic, and doesn't really realize it. I didn't have the heart to tell him yet that I am dating E. Not because he'd be jealous, not at all, he would just worry that his coming over in January was going to be a pain in the ass for me.
I am a little concerned about that too, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. January is a long way away.
I will tell E soon, too. Fuck, this could be complicated..  I hate to say I would rather S didn't come over! And I know it is only me who is making it complicated.. 

I have been invited for Thanksgiving and Christmas to E's family. I was waiting to see if that would happen, I didn't want to ask. But now I have no Master and all of those people, I pretty much have nobody who would invite me! I love my girls in work, they're like sisters, but I doubt they'd even think to ask if I was going to be alone or not, and I would never ask. I was sort of preparing for Thanksgiving by myself, and feeling a bit sad, but secretly hoping I'd get an invite. I let him bring it up, and played all nonchalant, as best I could, but I was relieved. I have spent holidays alone too many times.  It sucks.  Even while I was married that happened. Husband would take off on meditation retreat somewhere, and leave me all by my lonesome, more than a few times.  

I am just so scared of my loneliness and neediness, and hate to show it, and perhaps I played it a little too cool when E invited me, out of fear of looking like a sad, desperate no-friends. Urgh, just feeling that sadness in me as I write. I have spent most of my life feeling pretty fucking lonely, not knowing how to bridge that one, and reach out, not feeling like I really could, or if it was appropriate or not.  I am cursed with self-doubt and worry about 'appropriateness'. What the fuck? I always assume I am a burden or a pain in the ass, and there on sufferance, people politely putting up with me. It never occurs to me that people might actually enjoy my company.
In E's terms, I have an engram about it.

I think that's one of the negative side effects of hanging out in spiritual communities, they point out all your faults, and try to get you to fix them, and it leaves you with a feeling of terrible inadequacy and heartbreak. I think that's another reason I left Master. I was sick of the constant analysis and criticism, and people pointing out my shit all the time. I don't fucking need to be fixed. And the irony is, Master was always the first to say that, but the students never heard him.  Somebody was always telling me I was full of shit, and you know, I'm not. I am just a human being, trying to 'be'. It's pretty damn simple. Realization, Enlightenment, Truth, has nothing to do with how 'nice' or socially acceptable a person you are.

But, I do miss their company.  I do miss always having somebody to call, somewhere to go. I live in this country alone, all my family is 5,000 miles away. They were my family here. There are times when that is very hard. Like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I feel vulnerable. 

Thanks E. I maybe should let my guard down and be less scared of showing my neediness and vulnerability. I mean, he knows what my situation is. Perhaps he's not going to criticize me for it or run away. It's just that he has his shit together, having been single for the past decade, and he gives off an air of self-reliance and calm, and down to earthness, and me? I am an emotional train-wreck at the moment. I feel self-conscious about that. I have so much healing to do still.   

I can feel how that fear in me creates itself, on an endless cycle of perpetuation. I get scared, I act defensive, shut people out, pretend I'm ok, isolate myself, feel lonely, and that creates the very neediness I was hoping to avoid showing people in the first place.

I have somehow come to believe that neediness and dependence are massive psychological crimes, and the antithesis of anything 'spiritual'. Perhaps they're not. Perhaps everybody feels that on some level. Perhaps nobody can exist in a vacuum.  Master was always encouraging independence, and maybe I have confused that for isolation and walling myself up behind barriers.

It's the only child thing. I never learned to do anything other than become self-sufficient, and deal with being alone, convincing myself I'd rather have it that way anyway, thank you, even if that was a lie.

I think I might have PMS, which is not good, we're going away for the weekend, and I would hate to have my period. If that's it, I'm a week early. Dammit!!!