I dreamt I was getting fucked by Ex last night. We were in our house, and in bed, and he was on top of me, laughing and telling me he had renamed his penis. (Yes, it had a name). He told me the new name, and it was some long stupid-ass thing like Rumplestiltskin (which means 'wrinkly foreskin' btw), and I laughed, and said no, it would always be "Mxxxxx". Woke up feeling kind of sad, like why can't this all be simple, why can't we be friends again?
I am too proud to go asking for his friendship right now. Fuck him. Asshole. I might be in the wrong, I don't know, and don't care, it still hurts too much at this point to even think about it. It was always me did the chasing, I am coming to realize. I started the relationship, and was always the one to make the moves, and he never really bothered with much besides maintaining a comfortable status-quo for himself, when I think about it. I never got flowers, or anything like that.
Not that E has ever given me flowers either, or been in the least bit romantic in that way, but I do feel wanted. I do feel like he appreciates me. He made the moves on me. He doesn't need to give me flowers, he just hugs me tightly enough to make me feel loved. Flowers would still be nice though. ;-)
Guys, go and buy your woman some flowers tonight on your way home. If she's suspicious, and wonders what you did, if you're making up for some misdeed, just tell her I told you to do it. All women secretly would love flowers, whether they say so or not. Flowers from Ex once in a while might have made me feel loved enough not to go about fucking A last summer, you never know. Small things add up. Never take your lover for granted.
Anyway, Ex. Yes. Still fucked up over that, somewhat. Not as bad as it was, I am not thinking about him every moment, and wondering constantly if he is fucking Bitch at this moment, but.. It still hurts. I still feel so sad about how all this went down. It still feels 'wrong'.
I reorganized the wall in my office yesterday, took down a few photos, of me with Master, of the cat, (still and always will miss her TERRIBLY). But every time I saw those photos I got sad.
And the Scientology class was interesting.. It was all about helpfulness. I realized with big bells on, that Master's circle, and Ex, were never actually, tangibly, helpful. None of them lifted a finger to help me out practically, when I bust my leg earlier in the year, and spent all that time living alone, on crutches. All they did was offer 'insights' into why I had done it, that I was playing out some victim strategy, and that I was abusive to them, and I should grow up. Yeah, great, thanks! Meanwhile, here is somebody you supposedly love, who doesn't have groceries in the house, and lost 10lbs in the process, and was scared every day of where the next meal would come from.
So, the Scientology answer, is either deal with those people, get to the bottom of why, or leave them behind. I did the right thing. I felt relief when I did that. Honestly, no magic, nothing other than simple common sense. But that's something I have never had much of when it comes to relationships.
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