Copied from my dream diary, edited a little to protect the innocent. ;-)
V interesting. Interesting, but let's see what real difference it makes to my daily life now. That's the test. Did it undo anything? Help in any way? Or was it just an 'experience'?
On the way there, I saw Ex clearly through his office window, he was standing up, facing sideways, looked like he was on the phone. Haven’t seen him since November, except the top of his head once, briefly. Ha. I hate driving by his office on the bus, I always look, despite myself, and never see him. Except tonight. Felt so excluded. An outsider looking in through a window at the person that was my intimate friend and lover for 8 years, and he had no idea I was even passing by.
Stream of consciousness recall..
Auditor asked me what my earliest memory of pain was. Went back to last life heroin overdose in the 60's, which is interesting, because I can remember much further back than that, but I think that's the first moment I can clearly recall emotional pain, the rest are just memories and pictures, rather than emotional, visceral memories.
My name was Rachael, I was 18, skinny, long auburn hair, in a house in the middle of nowhere in California, on the edge of some farmland/desert, and I felt so alone. I had been outside for a day, by myself, feeling like crap, like the outsider, not belonging, but nowhere else to go.
I slept in a barn of some kind during the hot afternoon, there was straw on the floor, corrugated iron walls, I could smell it and animals. There was a red cow in the field. It got dark, there were SO many stars, I got cold, hungry, and a bit scared, and walked back to the house, (avoiding the cow, I was a little scared of her in the dark, I could smell her), to where there was a party going on, and bikers. Didn't like the bikers. I tried hiding in the dark living room, out of site. Was really hungry, and went to find food, there was none, and this guy in the kitchen gave me a beer instead, I drank so I wouldn't feel hungry. There was a girl outside through the window, getting fucked by a couple of guys on a wooden picnic table. I could see her huge tits wobbling and wanted to stare, but was too shy, so I looked away, feeling embarrassed. What's funny is the sense of personality with this girl, shy, smart, hurt, lonely, a real outsider, how did she end up with this crowd of people?? All abandoned sad outcast hippies with nowhere else to go.
Eric was kind of my bf at the time, short, overweight, shaved head, biker type, about 20, just because he was somebody that took a little notice of me, but I didn't get the sense I cared about him at all. He offered me some heroin, said he knew how to make me feel better, I'd obviously done it before, because I had a sore on my arm where I stuck the needle in. Eric sat in the another chair opposite me and shot up, and didn't even know I had died, he was on his own trip.
All I wanted was oblivion, to disappear, stop living, and I sat in this old beat up chair, and let myself go Beyond. I had always thought it was an accidental overdose, but this was not exactly deliberate, but not exactly accidental, I didn't care at all, and wanted out. I just let myself die as the heroin hit took me away. Shit, when I die, I might ask for some. Not a bad way to go out. ;-)
I remember feeling totally euphoric and free, and seeing the light, and the feeling of releasing attachment and memory, and what a relief it was. But maybe that's always how death is?
Interesting that whenever Drs draw blood, they take it from that spot on my arm, and I pass out. Always.
I felt the fucking needle.
Then this guy comes into the room in a rage, he's heard I od'd, and gets all pissed because I will get them all in trouble, and the police, etc, etc. He's drunk and ranting, and girls are scared.
They carry me outside in the dark, and bury me in the field, far away from the house, very unceremoniously, instead of calling the police, etc. There is earth, cold, damp, reddish clay, beneath the layers of sandy dry earth, and I can taste and smell and feel it. I see Swami Muktananda!
They all moved on and didn't give a shit, all too self-absorbed, and let me slip quietly through the cracks, uncared for. I cried a lot during the session at this point. It's all very well to see this, but what healing will it bring? How can I stop it happening again? Does auditing somehow take care of these things, burst the karma and the 'charge' of them, release them, what's the process?
Then I'm back in the womb this time around and mum and dad are arguing. She's complaining, always complaining, he's frustrated and angry, and I want to kick him. I get a painful cramp in my right leg and foot, because I can't move. Mum's anger feels like battery acid.
I start to feel the sadness of knowing who Dad is, our connection, and feeling my immense love for him, and feeling the terrible feeling that he doesn't know who I am in this life, or that I exist, that his anger is all he's aware of in that moment, and feeling that connection between us as something he isn't aware of at all, can't feel, and feeling so sad because of that. A bit like how I feel about Ex at the moment!! Invisible. Irrelevant. It's all about him, and what he needs. No concern for me. He has no idea how deeply I love him.
Then mum is sick, she has flu, she's freaking out. They are in the car on the way to the doctor, and Dad is telling her he doesn't have time for this, he has to go to work. She's crying, feeling sick, like passing out. I feel it too, and my head gets fuzzy, I feel sick, want to puke, and we're both in bad shape, she is late in the pregnancy, a month, 2 months, before I'm due. Will have to ask her about this stuff!
She gets to the doctors office, and he tells her there's nothing he can do about it, and I smell the chemicals at the doctor's surgery. It's a young Dr R***. That surgery always smelled the same! So distinctive. He's telling mum not to make a fuss, be quiet, and somehow that becomes mine.
He gives her an injection of something, or draws some blood for a blood test, I'm not sure, and she passes out. She's really sick. My head is so fuzzy and I feel so ill. There's pressure, I am squashed. Mum has a fuck-ugly cream coloured mini-dress on with red and brown paisley. Ugh.. She looks like a whale, she's hugely pregnant in this fuck-ugly dress, greasy hair, I start to laugh, she's so absurd.She's so YOUNG, so naive, I feel so fucking sorry for her. I am out of the body, looking down at her at this point.
It passes, and now I feel clarity and relief, and the Auditor brings me back to a point in my life at which I was the most happy. I remember coming back from camp on the school minibus when I was about 12, it as late at night, I was freezing cold, but I had never felt happier in my whole life, and I was feeling a part of things, and like we just spent a week with all my friends and it was fun, there was no pressure, we all played in the stream, stayed up late, smoked fags out the back of the building, had a laugh, life was perfect, I can remember thinking that if I died right there and then, it would be ok, I had been happy in this life.
Then Auditor brings me back into the room again, present time. Asks me how old I am, I say 36, I'm not, I'm 3*. I laugh. He asks me where I am, I say in the **** Scientology center.
****
Did I make that all up, because it's a very similar story to the pattern I just lived through? Feeling neglected, shut out, not part of the party, alone, helpless, hurt, lonely, afraid for my own survival.. That's possible. I am not saying any of that actually happened. But fuck, it did feel pretty real, there was a lot of reliving of bodily sensation, feeling ill, feeling cold, feeling my head hurt, and feeling the euphoria of death, etc. So auditing is basically a visceral, vivid form of past life regression. All very well, but let's see how it actually helps. What will change, what will be healed, what will it do to make my daily life happier? That's the test. Otherwise it's just an interesting experience.
What amazed me, is that I don't recall any process of anything like hypnosis. And I've had a lot of hypnotherapy in my early 20's. I just shut my eyes, he asked me what was going on, and I was there, deeper in, more tangible than ever before.
I have to say, like Crowley, like RA Wilson, that immersing myself in a religion or belief that I don't necessarily 100% adhere to, just to see what happens, is very interesting. This Scientology experiment I'm doing is pretty cool so far. There's a guy there who's an OT5, who seems to have taken me under his wing. I like the Dude, he's pretty fucking cool, reminds me of my old college tutor, the Buddhist, who used to take me for walks on the beach, and teach me Buddhism in my late teens. I have to say, the guy is really fucking Present and Alive. He's not some cult-zombie. He's in possession of his faculties, and knows his stuff.
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