Dreamed Bitch tried saying hello to me. I ignored her, and I heard her downstairs sanctimoniously telling somebody that I wasn't ready to talk to her yet. So I yelled "What did you expect, that this was all going to end nicely? Fuck you!"
Ex was there, he heard me.
Elizabeth Xxxx drove me into the old city I lived in before I moved here, and somehow we were also on a long bridge for some event, and 2 buses came hurtling down form outer space (I saw Battle for LA yesterday), and caused a giant wave that almost knocked us into the water. I was scared the buses were going to be a direct hit and kill us.
Woke up feeling like shit, sad, angry, etc. Like I want to kill Bitch. She was so fucking self-righteous in the dream. The tone of her voice was totally that I was the idiot, for not talking to her.
It's been quite a long time since I dreamed about them, this is the first one in a while now. Thankfully. Urgh.. I hate starting my day this way, it sucks. I feel heavy and sad and angry. Not a great start to the week. Plus I'm in work an hour earlier. I love daylight savings, but that first Monday morning is a bitch.
Had a nice weekend with E, although, he started whistling a lot, something that's a fairly recent thing, and it was really starting to irritate me. Bummer. I need to ask him to stop. I can't bear whistling, it drives me batshit. My Dad did it a lot, and I hate it. Like nails on a chalk board. Fuck.
Had some phenomenal sex.. Wow. Sometimes I get so sensitive lately. Have discovered I love being on top. I never used to, but E is just built right for it..
We started watching Spartacus Gods of the Arena this weekend, lots of great sex and violence, I love that show!! I think this season is even more violent and naked than Blood & Sand was.
My OT5 Scientology friend has asked me to become an auditor. I don't think I'm ready for that. I just want my own shit dealt with, I don't want to spend time auditing other people. Selfish as that sounds. I'm not there yet. I don't want to commit that much time to the whole thing, or be indebted to somebody else in that way, (you pair up with somebody, they audit you, you return the favour) even though to do that would save me money, if I wanted more auditing myself. I have my 2nd session tomorrow night. I am getting quite a bit of mileage out of the first one, I have to say. It has generally, apart from the dream this morning, been a much better week, I have obsessed much less about Ex and Bitch, and feel like it's helping me move on, like last week was a breakthrough.The courses I've done have helped me see Ex in a less idealistic light, and I think that's helped, too. I have a more realistic picture of what our relationship actually looked like, rather than through my own rose-tinted glasses. Hard as that has been to face, it has helped.
I felt quite a bit of fear this morning, about my own survival, my job, etc, and how I did at least feel safe with Ex, like if the shit hit the fan, I had somebody to take care of me, which is ironic, as when it did, he totally bailed out on me. I had the illusion of safety, and it wasn't such a bad thing. I miss it.
I feel like those images of Japan, like I'm swimming in an ocean of my own emotional debris today, 9 miles out to sea, stranded on a piece of what used to be my old house, that I'm clinging to for my life. I lost my husband, my house, my cat, my security, my self-image, my vision of the future, all kinds of things. As Master used to get us to repeat, "It is me". Japan is me. That old man they found 9 miles out to sea is me. I am a disaster zone, hit by a triple whammy earthquake, Tsunami and nuclear explosion. As above, so below.
Monday morning blues, and PMS. I need chocolate. I'll be ok, just stuck in the ghost of my nightmare and a gloomy rainy dark March Monday morning. I am not in Sendai, and that is a good thing. Puts my own personal shit in some perspective. My life is not threatened.
For some reason, this whole Japan thing has moved me more than most disasters would. I have been heartbroken! I think for that very reason, because it does remind me of my own personal cataclysm. I guess these tough moments in our own lives are what finally brings us some real sense of compassion. My heart is breaking for all of Japan.
My favourite sushi chef's mom is missing. I cried when he told me.
This too shall pass.
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