We hit a truckload of anger and disgust last night... I cried my damn eyes out. Slightly 'stream of consciousness' so forgive grammar and sentence structure.
Auditor sits down, and asks me how my week was, and I burst into tears, tell him about Bitch having herpes, and how fucking sad and angry that makes me. He says, ok, you want to go into that one? Yes.. Time to face that Demon, I think. I am sick of it dominating my daily life.
So, there I am, reading the email her ex boyfriend D sent me, telling me about it. Feeling the disgust. Auditor asks for earlier incident, and this is where I fuck up, and lie a little about what happened, because I'm embarrassed about this one. I say I am at work, when I wasn't, I was at E's house. I feel awkward and hypocritical, that here I am with my beloved E, and am getting all fucked up over Ex ending our relationship, when I am already in a relationship with E. I don't know why I lied, but ultimately, I don't think it made a difference to the result. I was trying to stay in my head about what actually happened, and what I said to Auditor. I guess I just don't feel entirely comfortable with him knowing ALL my hideous shit. Anyway, I was reading the email Ex sent me, when he told me that our relationship was over, and he was now fucking Bitch. I cried.
Auditor asks for earlier incident. I am 12, wearing black boots, my foot hurts. I had kicked a wall really hard, out of rage. Can't remember much for a while, then my dad comes storming down the pathway, I'm out in the garden, in a rage, feeling totally betrayed, freaked out, scared, angry, you name it. My world as I knew it, had just ended. He's rough with me, grabs me by the wrist, hurts me. Pulls me indoors. I am screaming and he's scared of the neighbors' reaction. It's the incident when his affair came out into the open. I go back to the argument parents had about it. Mum is yelling at dad that his new woman might have sexual diseases. She yells at me, "Your father is fucking another woman!" What if she has herpes or something nasty, and you give it to me? (So my parents were still fucking).
(Gotta love my mom. Jesus. Thanks Mom.)
The woman my dad was fucking was the mother of one of my school friends. I feel SO much betrayal, like all the love I ever had for my dad didn't matter, he went and fucked this bitch anyway, and put my life and security and happiness and trust in him, and my mother at risk. Urgh.. Cried like a motherfucker for about 10 minutes. Felt SO bad.. SO angry.. SO betrayed and grossed out. I think that might be the first conscious moment I knew my dad was having sex with anybody, and sex wasn't just about procreation... I think until then, I thought people just had sex when they wanted a baby. I didn't realize people continued to fuck, not just to have kids, and there was something else to it than that.
So that was my first coming to awareness moment, that sex was also recreational. Jesus.
Auditor asks for earlier incident. (He's good). I am about 1 1/2, bouncing on my new grown-up bed. I can see out the window, I see my neighbor, and my dad comes in, grabs my arm, and my mum follows him, tells me I have to put my coat and shoes on, we're going to visit Nanny. I am wondering why, it's time for bed, we never go see Nanny at night.
So I let her put my blue and black coat and shiny black shoes on, and the other neighbor is there, arguing with my dad in the living room. She's telling dad he's a prick, and and idiot. He's telling her it's none of her business. She's telling him yes it is, my mom is her best friend. Knock on the door, it's neighbor's husband (who, I dreamt about last night, was wanting to kill me. He's a big fat angry redneck farmer bastard, and last night, his eyes turned red and he was about to kill me!) He is arguing with my dad, also calling him a thoughtless prick, and he's saying that my dad was seen nearby with his girlfriend, and how stupid was he, thinking he could get away with it?
I am put in neighbor's car, and driven to Nanny's with mum. The car smells of dogs, it's dirty, it's an old beat-up Volvo, I remember that car!
Finally, I get to feel ok, after a couple of run-throughs, and Auditor brings me back to present, after asking me to remember a happy moment. I am about 4, feeding my cat in the kitchen. Cat is happy and purring, and wrapping her tail around me.
So, my dad has a longer history of fucking around on my mom than I suspected? I would ask her about it, but, don't want to upset her.
I got home last night, and felt so empty. So totally weird inside. Not in a bad way, just like I'd had a tooth removed. A part of my emotional history extracted, a gap in my emotional body, that things will rearrange themselves around now to fill up. No real feeling of betrayal or anger left, just sadness, emptiness, like what do I do now? Not the massive heartbreak it was before, just a feeling of "Ok you stupid fucker, herpes is your own choice in life, your karma, your lesson, good luck. I guess it's up to you to make your own stupid herpes-infested mistakes now. There's nothing I can do about your bad choices".
I might still send the letter though, like I probably would to any other human being I knew was at risk. There's no reason not to really. He needs to know. She might have told him, but if I know, and I have any doubt she's told him, which I do, I can't in good conscience let him take that risk, unless he knows.
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