Eclispes.

There are 3 eclipses coming up. 11 degrees Gemini, on June 1st, 24 degrees Sagittarius, June 15th, and 9 Cancer, on July 1st. One of these is going to hit Bitch smack on her sun, which is also square her natal Mars, which has (and will have for quite a while) transiting Uranus at present. Ha. That's all I will say about it. Ha fucking ha. Her turn will come.  And I can see when. All that anger will come spewing out all over whoever is closest to her. And that would be Ex. She won't be able to maintain that smug 'face' she puts on it all.Things are gearing up to trigger a potentially significant meltdown for her.

Ex sent me an email today, with a photo he found of me, left on his computer. He asked if I had it, and he knew full well that I do, it's a photo of me with a favorite famous person of mine, so there's no doubt that I would have it. Still, I guess he thought I didn't. Which is nice, to know he does occasionally have a thought in his head, and one starring me.  Have been puzzling over what is really a rather lame excuse to write me an email though.  Mixed feelings. I had said I wasn't ready to be friends just last week, and here he is, emailing me about random crap today. I am quietly pleased. And too damn stubborn to reply.

I had a bad night last night, I lay awake all night with all kinds of crap in my head about it all. Thoughts of murder, revenge, you name it. All my darkest, most horrific shit. So no wonder I was sent an email by him today, he probably felt all of that..

I haven't replied yet.

I almost dropped another letter in the mail today. (Still haven't sent the herpes one). I said that from Bitch's recent emails, it was obvious she has no great respect or love for him, and he ought to just end it, and put himself out of his misery. I wrote it with a bit of insider info in mind from S last week. So I doubt he'd suspect it came from me, because how would I know that? I don't get those emails any more. Didn't send it though. I am too chickenshit. Or too nice. Or stupid. I don't know which, but it sure as hell was great to at least write it. And I thought about the chaos that would ensue among them all, trying to figure it out.. lol     

God. Jesus. Fucking hell. Why is it taking me so damn long to move on and get over this shit????  And WHY IN HELL can't I get over the idea that we're not done yet? That's the worst. I can't accept that it's over. It's taking me a very long time. I can't let go of the idea that one day, we might get back together again.

There, I said it.  I am still holding out for that.  Fuck. Shit. That's insane.

And that's the stupid thing, I know if he emailed me today, and said, 'Hey, I have left Bitch, left Master, and am willing to have us both move back home together and get remarried', I don't know that I would. Even though a part of me still wants that more than anything.  And it's a big part of me. But it's not all of me.

And none of that seems to have anything to do with E, and how much I love his company, and the fantastic sex, and all the rest of the wonderfulness that he is. Aren't we complicated? Isn't the human ego a total walking nightmare of fucking paradox and hypocrisy?? Jesus H.  Anybody reading this shit must think I'm utterly insane.

I am not this crazy, nasty, vengeful bitch I am here on this blog. I am a nice, decent, honest person. I live a functional life, not poisoned by all this anger and blackness and bitterness. This blog, I think I write sometimes, to keep it from all spilling into my regular life. People like me. Honest.

But I am glad I don't have a piece of Bitch's hair, or I would do voodoo on it.