Happy Anniversary to Us!

Who would have known that a little over a year ago, I would have fallen in love? Something I always wanted to happen, but it was more like an abstract idea than something I could see and feel and hold and, well.... you get the idea.

So, to mark this amazing milestone, I jotted down some things I've been thinking about.

"I love you." Somebody said that three word sentence has been used so many times that nobody really knows anymore what it means. Or, I guess it can mean just about anything you want it to mean.

Brad and I met a little over a year ago, and we've been talking a lot about our relationship. We've been trying to pinpoint when out first-year anniversary is. We've decided that we have a number of "firsts" that would qualify as an anniversary of some sort.

I met Brad for the very first time at my birthday party when I turned eighteen, a little over a year ago. So, what do you call that? I'm tempted to call it our "Love at First Sight Anniversary." Is that too mushy? What does that really mean, Love at First Sight? I remember seeing him for the first time and having this "stunned" feeling. I swear to God it was like I went into this trance or something. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but I can still remember my whole body tingling all over when I looked and saw the most beautiful guy I had ever seen come in the door. I almost forgot where I was and who I was with. I mean, there were at least 25 other people at the party and I just zoned out and he and I were the only ones there.

I asked him out on a date for the following weekend. I took him to dinner and then a movie where we held hands for the first time. So, maybe that was our "First Date Anniversary."

Even though I wanted to kiss him at my birthday party and then again after our first date, it took a lot of restraint on my part to slow things down. I've always had a hard time pacing myself and slowing things down when I have this impulse to do the first thing that comes to my mind. It might be because I have that ADHD thing going on and I have to take a deep breath and think things through. But I also realized I didn't want to mess anything up with this beautiful guy. He had this low-key shy thing about him and he always looked so calm and sweet and sometimes I thought there was something delicate about  him.

I remember thinking, Whatever happens between us will be worth the wait. And for the time being, holding his hand was even better than what I thought kissing him or even having sex with him might be like. You have to take my word for it, but we were able to say a lot to each other through holding hands. Sometimes it was a gentle hold, sometimes it involved this sweet squeezing, sometimes there was a warm sigh passing through our hands and then there was this firm and extended grip that said, I don't want to let you go.

It was pretty obvious to both of us that we had this special chemistry going on. I remember having to restrain myself from calling him 3 or 4 times a day (OK, that's an underestimate). Why couldn't I stop thinking about him?

After we had gone on maybe four dates, I wanted to ask him if he thought we were a "couple" now. I had never felt this way before and to be honest, I had no idea how to bring it up. Where was that Guide to Dating handbook?? What if he really liked me (which he seemed to) but was thinking about dating other guys? I mean, he never gave any indication he was thinking that way, but I guess I was way too insecure then. I had heard from friends of mine that gay guys have a hard time committing to each other, especially the younger you are (all this so-called "wisdom" when I never asked for it!).

Was I moving too fast? Was I going to scare him away by being so intense too early? I really feared he might drop something on me like the whole, Let's be friends and, well, maybe see other people and then talk about it. Again, all this was coming from me and my insecurities. He seemed as totally into me as I was into him.

The more time we spent together, the stronger my feelings became. Brad seemed  so comfortable with himself and  his body that it was a little unnerving to me. When he would talk to me -- just normal everyday conversation -- he would sometimes reach over and touch my arm. He would never linger there longer than a second or two. It's like sometimes people would add a slight touch to the words they were using. He never overdid it but it would always make me a little self-conscious. It's like that little one or two second touch was saying so much, if not more, than his words. It was probably the first time anything like that had ever happened to me -- or it was the first time I had noticed.

The night we both said, "I love you," was so very special. We'll write more about how that happened later. For now, all that matters is that we can say we've have a number of different "anniversaries" and they're all very special.

So, for now, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, Brad! All of them!

I love you!