Risk

I did a dumb thing. I sent this to Ex.  I saw the astrology of the moment, all this big Venus, Mercury, Mars Jupiter conjunction, all on top of my own Mars, and thought 'fuck it'. Here is a chance for some healing.  I have heard nothing back yet.
And it's been almost a week since I sent that last email, too.
I feel stupid. And scared. But I just couldn't bear feeling like I have to shut the door in his face again and again. We had reached a stalemate, and after he had kindly sent me that photo, and after the last email, I wouldn't be surprised if he's done with me, and doesn't respond, I wasn't really very kind, after he had made a small gesture. I don't fucking know. I have no clue how to proceed. All I know is I'm stuck, and it's uncomfortable, and I needed to do something different to what I was doing, which was shutting the door in his face, because of my pain and anger.

I should stay away from email when I have PMS.    
****

I don't honestly know what's worse, the pain of shutting you out or letting you back in.

I just fucking miss you. And everything in me tells me I shouldn't write you this email and fuck you, asshole, I should ignore you, whatever, but I can't bear the thought that I might never hear from you again if I don't, so I'm willing to start slow, if you want to be friends again, and take a risk for the sake of love.