S

S hasn't been in touch with me at all lately. I don't think that's such a bad thing in a way. She was my remaining link to Ex's daily life, and contact with her was always stirring me up inside. So I'm glad she has this new job.. Something else to occupy her than my little dramas.   I feel a little like now she has no further use for me, I'm not somebody she can project her own dramas onto any more to feel better about herself. Not that she's entirely selfish, quite the opposite, she's been there, been very kind and helpful when others were not, but sometimes, you have to question a person's entire motives. Nobody is 100% altruistic. I feel perhaps she's had a sense of 'rescuing' me, and therefore that part of herself that was hurt the same way.And now I'm healing, she's moved on to other things.

She did call me on Friday though, to read me part of an email Bitch sent out, like Master has everybody do, so they can all see and be accountable to each other for their bullshit. Bitch's email was about how she saw, through her relationship with Ex, that she was disgusted with men, and it really upset me! Fuck that cunt.  What a low thing to write to the group. I wonder how Ex felt about reading that...
It was so much bullshit, you don't do that to your lover, point out to all his friends that you're disgusted with him.. Not unless things are really bad, and he was really being an asshole, which makes me smile.  I kind of wonder about S's motives for telling me this, in a way. Though in another way, I'm really glad she did. 

And it did make me smile, despite how angry I was, for him, that she wrote that. Ha.  Yes, he's a pain in the ass sometimes, and I'm damn glad the gloss is wearing thin and she's seeing him for who he is.  For the most part, I always put up with that side of him, because I loved him.  I hope it's something she can't and doesn't put up with. For several reasons. I would love to see them end their 'intimacy', (I hate that word now), and I would also love him to wake up to the fact that I loved him, and put up with a lot of shit from him, that she isn't going to put up with. He really had it easy with me. I really forgave and ignored a lot, sometimes mistaking love for need and desperation, for all the good it did me.
And I would, weirdly, love for her to realize that shit isn't something she SHOULD put up with, either, for her own self esteem, as a woman, but I doubt that will happen, she's wired up wrongly for that. She doesn't have a normal emotional social women-wiring circuit in her brain.

I sent Ex an email, saying I got my stuff and the tickets back from S the other night, thanks, and he hasn't replied. I don't know what I was hoping for, a crack in the doorway to stick my foot in? I didn't get one. 

I still haven't mailed the anonymous your-girlfriend-has-genital-herpes note. It's still in my purse.  

I spent the weekend with E, at a place where Ex and I went, when we first got together, and it was very cathartic for me to be there again. I had all those misty wonderful in-love memories of being there, it was so idyllic. They needed to die.  That, and it was also a lovely weekend away with E, out of the suburbs, back east in the mountain air. E was amazing this weekend. He came, and then said 'get me hard again', which I happily obliged, then he managed to make me come, and then asked me for a hand job! He does my sexual self-esteem a lot of good, after the damage A did it 2 years ago. (Wow, it's crazy to think that wild weekend with A was nearly 2 years ago! And that I have had 3 lovers since Ex.)