I got a reply from my ex Mother In Law. She was sweet but brief, as always, no change there. But she did say she would pass on my love to my BIL, which is great, because he will surely mention that to Ex. So, he knows I'm reaching back out.
I had a moment on the drive into work this morning, when I realized that Ex is relating not to me now, but to the me I was, before all this shit happened, and he's making his judgments and excuses about my apparent lack of spirituality, based on that. Which is sad. That's not me, as I am, now. He is stuck in a memory of me, and I of him. It will take a tremendous effort not to respond to that. He hasn't replied to the last email I sent him holding him accountable for his lack of relationship in the way he talked to me. He said he would send an email 'addressing some of your concerns', which never arrived. Maybe that's a good thing.
I think I'm finally starting to allow myself to feel that he doesn't want a relationship with me any more. All that stuff about my lack of practice is an excuse for that, a reflection of his refusal.
Ex is very slow to respond to me, I sent him a thank you on Wednesday, for meeting my mom, and he's said nothing to me since, about any of it. He's had an entire work week. And I gather it was quite a conversation they had! Why is that? Is he playing games, or does he just not care? Am I being too sensitive or impatient? It's important to me!
He's always been too busy to take much notice of me, that was one complaint I had when we were married. What do I really expect to be any different, especially now? He owes me nothing, really. Sad as that is to face and feel. I think that meeting with my mom was just for his own benefit, to make himself feel better about some things.
It had nothing to do with wanting to reestablish a friendship with me, if it did, where is he?
All I can feel, is a lack of any real desire on his part, to have anything real to do with me, and all this was just a move on his part to make himself feel better about the whole thing, and lay some ghosts to rest perhaps. I don't feel he is ready nor really wanting, to be friends with me again. Master once said, look at the signs.
They aren't there.
Perhaps I really do have to let go and move on. God help me not to send him another email or take any more bait, but that will be really hard not to do. That's why I asked for no contact, initially. I knew this would happen if I responded, I really only have myself to blame. I took the bait. What's worse, the pain of not having anything to do with him any more, knowing I might never see him again, or the pain of having him play games, draw this out, and I still don't get what I want?
Trouble is, I have nobody in my court, nobody to say anything to him about all this. He's made it invisible, now he can do what he likes. I haven't told S a thing, she has a bias against him, and I don't trust her not to be reactive or objective. I can't tell Master, nobody can see what he's doing, he's not accountable. At least the way it as, when I was a part of that community, there was some visibility, some accountability. I had somebody to go to. I am on my own with this, with him, with his games, and there's nobody to help, or to keep him accountable, or call him on his bullshit, except me, and I don't want to do that.
And if he really does need some time to process that conversation with my mom, I also don't want to be too pushy and demanding, and scare him away. I just don't know what to do. Do I wait it out, 'keep the faith', or do I just walk away, or do I write to him to let him know what I'm feeling?
I have made so many mistakes in all this.
What is he doing? Is he doing anything? Or am I being overly paranoid and sensitive? I wish I knew.
One of my favourite astrologers has this to say..
"Your chart is extremely strong & powerful right now... You're in one of your highest cycles & that adds even more impact to your personality... It's when others find you highly attractive & just want to be around you. The danger here is that when the chart is this good, there is a tendency to "go too far"... It's when you can plan, scheme or make things too complicated for your own good. The idea is lay low & let others do the talking & make the offers to you for a change!"
IF I had any faith that that would ever happen.. I was thinking about offering him the other U2 ticket of the pair he gave me, I don't have anybody else to go with. I haven't found anybody, quite deliberately, I think. I'm sure S would go, but I haven't asked her yet. That would be a gesture out of left field... But, I might be going to see U2 by myself at this rate.
Post a Comment