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Had another Scientology session last night. I was sad all day, and when I got there, I burst into tears. So, we went from there.
I was on the bus that morning, going past Ex's office, and started feeling like shit. Sad, angry.. Like I do most mornings.
From there, back to when I was 8, and a kid in my class with the same first name as Ex, pushed me off some of the playground equipment, and I hurt my arm. My teacher came over, and yelled at me not to be a crybaby. I hated that fucking cunt. I still hate her. She was a self-righteous, smug Christian asshole with no understanding of kids whatsoever.  Ugh..  I felt so powerless, so helpless, and like getting angry with either of them was futile.  Total powerlessness.

So from there, back to when I was about 3 months old, and was tucked into my bed, super-tight. I woke up, and wanted to move, and the blanket was so fucking tight around me, I couldn't move, so I screamed the place down, red in the face, for about 20 minutes until I had ran out of anger, and I felt my energy collapse into futility and resignation. I heard my mom saying that she was sick of me crying, and didn't know what to do, it was driving her crazy. They left me, let me cry it all out, instead of coming in and figuring out that perhaps I was in a straightjacket of blankets, and needed some help there! 
I started laughing in the session at that point, when I figured out that all my life, I have been struggling with a fucking fluffy yellow baby blanket. That blanket has stopped me doing SO many things. Has stopped me standing up for myself on SO many occasions.  It typifies the bad side of my relationship with Ex, just to say again and again that I'm not happy and have him ignore me, until I collapse into self-doubt, futility and resignation, feeling utterly powerless and unheard.  

Then I was in the womb, and all crampy and needing to stretch my legs out. I couldn't move, so I exited the body, and hovered about 3ft above my mom, while she lay there about 5.30 one morning, very shortly before I was born. Very, very uncomfortable!!  My legs all cramped up in the session, as I was talking about it! 

Ugh, I have always felt a certain emotional collapse when I get angry, like it's just fucking pointless to express it, I am never heard, and I give up on so much, not feeling like I'm getting anywhere, like I am powerless, and nobody hears me or gives a shit. 

Fucking stupid blanket.  Birth and pregnancy sucks. What a stupid invention, to cram a growing baby inside a small hot and claustrophobic womb with only a small hole to squeeze out of. All these people that talk about our psychological need to go back to the womb are full of shit, I couldn't wait to get out. 
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