I had Master's friend D to stay the last few days, and he's very kindly given me $20 a night. That's helped, I've been a bit short on $'s lately. (Which I think is what is stirring up my anger towards Ex). He's here looking at places, he's thinking of moving back! That will set the cat among the pigeons when the news gets out.. lol
One more of Master's ladies left the other day. There is now him and 8 people, down from about 15 when he first moved here. That is not a healthy sign. D was on the phone with the lady who left when I got back in last night. She was feeling very undermined and like she wasn't 'good enough' to continue with the practice. That's her 'thing', never feeling good enough, but even so, that's just effed in the a. Nobody should come away feeling like they're not good enough. It should be a supportive and loving environment, not one where people come away feeling bruised, undermined and unloved. I feel better about myself, in a way, now. It wasn't just me. I wasn't the only sucker that 'failed' or wasn't good enough. I also felt all those things. S is also on the point of leaving, though she has been for a long while, and never quite decides to get off the fence. In a way I'm glad, because she at least is a source of news on Ex now and again. She's my last link. In another way, I wish she'd leave, for that same reason.
I had another Scientology auditing session last night. I went back to about 9 years old, and was at school with 2 friends who bullied me a little. Zoe, one of the girls, yelled out in class when our teacher's back was turned, that he was a prick, and he turned around, not seeing who it was, and blamed me, called me up to the front of the class, and poked at me angrily with his bent index finger, (that used to give me the creeps!), and yelled at me that I was an arrogant and rude little girl. I felt so ashamed and humiliated!
I ended up after a few reruns of the incident, realizing how funny it was. But it wasn't at the time, I was so angry with her for getting me into trouble.
And what's weird is I've had a really painful finger all week myself, same finger.
I hadn't thought about her in years. She and I had a real love-hate relationship. I adored her, but she was so mean sometimes and I could never understand why, and it hurt, but thinking about it last night, she had such a dysfunctional family! Her mother was murdered a few years after that incident, by her new boyfriend, after she divorced her father. It made all the local newspapers.
TGIF. It's been a long week. I have a coworker who makes the most insane noise crunching cereal for breakfast, and chips in the afternoon, and it makes me feel fucking homicidal.
That, and I'm looking forward to a weekend with E. We were talking about taking off, going out of town for the weekend, but I have no idea where to go. I haven't booked anything yet. I need to get on that.
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