I think I am starting to come out of my spiritual funk. I have been so ANGRY with God for all this FUCKED UP SHIT the last few years. For Master's interference in my life, and what I still feel was the Spectacular Fuckup that resulted. I haven't felt at all inspired to any kind of meditation or practice, besides the odd bit of Reiki now and again, though that's safe, it's 'energy' and reasonably Deity-neutral.
That and my tentative venture into Scientology.
I did put up a large portrait of my Previous Master (Master's Master) on my bedroom wall, I have never stopped loving him, despite having turned to Master after he died. PM was a very different kind of Master. Much kinder, less ass-kick, to me at least. I never received any hard-assed criticism from him, (though plenty of people did).
Last night I was looking at him as I was getting ready for bed, and really felt how angry I have been towards God. Fucking furious. But I can't go on feeling that. I basically am a Lover of God's, I can't help myself, despite the fucked-upness of life lately. So I cried. I need to cry some more. I felt so much shame, sitting there, facing PM's photo. It's not his fault. And somehow I have also blamed him for this, too. For dying, I think. That's when everything changed. It was all OK until then. Life was perfect. Ex and I had stable productive lives, a nice house, cat, feeling of security and love, living as his devotees, doing our thing, in a reasonably functional community, we had a place, and a part to play, and it all hung together. Life wasn't problematical. Then PM died, and it all fell apart. I think a fair chunk of my recent anger has been about PM dying, as much as anything else.
I have had no dreams of him, nothing, hardly, since he died. I miss that. I miss him. I miss him a lot.
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