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No Relationship is Perfect, Right? part 1

This is one of those posts Matt and I weren't sure we would put up. It's a hard thing to write about something that is very personal and in some ways doesn't show you in your best light.

After talking about it all the way through, we decided we'd go ahead with it. One of the best things about being in love is the intense joy and happiness you get to experience with someone special. One of the hardest things about being in a relationship with somebody you love is when you realize your worst fears and insecurities have come to the surface and it's hard to think and feel clearly about how to handle them.

I'm in the second week of my summer job as a waiter (no, strike that. We're called "Servers" now!). I'm actually enjoying the job a lot better than I thought I would. I'm working the lunch shift and so far really enjoy the other people working there.

One of the other "Servers" came out to me after the first day while we were talking about a movie he saw recently. He just worked it into the conversation that he went with his boyfriend. So, in turn, I said I had been wanting to see the same movie and Matt and I were talking about going. He sorta smiled when I mentioned Matt's name, so I clarified that I was referring to my boyfriend. Without missing a beat, he said maybe he and Jeff and Matt and I could double up sometime and go out. I said cool and told Matt about it later that day, and we talked about going to see X Men: First Class.

Matt had already stopped by for lunch by himself one other time and was seated at one of the tables I work. It was all a lot of fun as we pretended not to know each other and did this role play thing where we started flirting with each other. Since I had only started working there we had to be careful and secretive about it, which actually made the whole role play thing a lot more fun. It's so funny when things like this happen, even after being together for over a year now. I mean, even after a year, I still get a hard-on when we do stuff like this. And then there's the whole thing about how you hide that since you're in this really public setting and I'm walking back and forth as horny as hell! Matt was sitting down and got a tablecloth to cover up his "evidence."

Well, Monday this week, Matt and his younger brother popped in for lunch. Matt didn't have to work and he and his brother were planning on meeting up with some friends later that afternoon. He and his brother got seated at one of the tables I don't work, so he got another server. We were pretty busy that day and I was running all over the place, but I did stop at their table for a sec to say hi.

The restaurant is in this relatively small suburb of Boston -- it's actually in the category of a "town" which I guess means they don't have large enough population to earn the title of "city" or something. It has a kind of "artsy" look to it. There's some art galleries, small high-end clothing stores, some coffee shops and two independent bookstores. Plus, there's this medium-size private college campus about 5 blocks away from the restaurant, so we get a lot of student and faculty customers (or "Guests" as we call them!).

So, while Matt and his brother are there eating lunch, this group of four young guys come in and are seated at one of my tables. I had seen two of them in there before and knew they were students at the college. I would say all four of them were probably about 19, maybe 20 years old. It was pretty obvious that the two who had been there before were at the very least boyfriends or dating or something. I had seen them reach across the table and had their hands on top of each other. And you could tell by the way they had been looking at each other (you know, doing the "eye thing" and smiling) that they were they were definitely enjoying each other's company. 

The other two guys with them this time were obviously close friends of theirs and my gaydar was beeping on high alert! And I have to say they were all incredibly cute and friendly.

Well, since I had already served two of them previously, they were acting like we were all good friends, or something. They introduced me to the two guys they were with this time, and you would have thought we had all known each other from childhood.

It was sorta weird in a way. That's one thing I'm learning about being a server. Once you wait on someone the first time, it's like they think you're best friends from there on out. It's kinda nice in a way, because it makes the work enjoyable, but there's still something a little off-putting about it -- like there's this "fake intimacy" that's parading as close friendship. But, overall it's totally harmless. In a way, it's another example of some kind of role playing going on.

So, when I brought them their lunch, one of the guys shows me this piece of paper they're looking at that's about this dance they're having at school. There's this LGBTQ organization they're all apparently a part of and they're inviting me to go. They said I could go as a guest of theirs if I was interested. So, I lingered at the table probably for a little longer than I should have looking at the announcement. Luckily I was called away by one of my other tables asking me for their check.

Before these four guys left they asked me again if I wanted to go to the party. I just told them I already had other plans that night and thanked them for the invitation. They were totally cool and nice about it and then left. They did, thankfully, leave me a nice tip, which I appreciated!

So, Matt and his brother were finishing up their lunch about this time and were leaving. I tried to get over to them once more to say bye, but Matt was almost already out the door. His brother just looked at me with this sympathetic look and walked over to say bye. I asked him what was wrong with Matt, and he just said he thought he was jealous. Well, I didn't have time to talk more with his brother about it and by this time Matt was already out the door. No goodbye, no wave, no nod. Nothing. Just got up from the table and left. Need I say I was pissed? I mean, WTF is going on?

I still had two hours left before my shift was over, but I felt like I was getting physically sick or something. And I was still pissed. And confused. I wanted to walk out on my shift and find Matt to have it out with him. I mean, this is the first time he's ever done something like this. I felt totally misunderstood, mistreated and frankly disrespected. I have always had a very low tolerance for rudness and this felt over the top. I couldn't believe it.

Then I started feeling scared -- or terrified is more like it. My thoughts started spinning that he was going to break up with me. I knew rationally I had done absolutely nothing wrong, but it was hell to be stuck at work, put on a smile and be courteous to everybody eating lunch there.

After I got off my shift, I headed to my car. I wanted to find Matt to talk about all this, but I didn't know exactly where he was. All I knew was he and his brother were going to be hanging out with some friends. About that time, my phone buzzed and I got a text from him that just said, We need to talk. 8 tonight? I wrote him back and asked where. He said at my house. I said OK.

Great, I'm gonna get dumped. And worse it was gonna happen at my house and then he's leaving. My mind was totally spinning out of control. Matt can be stubborn at times (like I can, too), but for some reason this felt more serious. What am I suppose to do between now and 8:00? All I could think of was to replay in my mind everything that happened at the restaurant earlier. Was he pissed because I had ignored him and his brother? That I could explain. Was he pissed because he thought I was flirting with those guys? That I could explain also. The real fear was, Would he believe me and give me the chance to explain and be rational about the whole thing? Or, was something else bothering him? Or, had he made some kind of decision about us and he just wanted to let me know?

Like I said at the beginning, one of the hardest things about being in a relationship with somebody you love is when you realize your worst fears and insecurities have come to the surface. That's when it's hard to think and feel clearly about how to handle them. It felt like there was a lot at stake with this whole thing. What if we couldn't work out whatever it was that had happened? What if he was ending the relationship? What would I do then? I think it's the scaredest I've ever been in our relationship, and it seemed like 8:00 would never get here. It did though and when Matt arrived, it looked like he had been crying. The other look on his face I can't even describe. He looked totally shut down.

He'll finish what happened tomorrow.
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