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A year

I am just bursting to tell S about the $300.  I haven't, but I mean, what the FUCK? Who does that? Sends their ex mother in law $300?  And why do they do it??  That's what's bugging me. Why.  He loves her, I know that, but surely a $50 would have been adequate.  Not that I'm complaining, she sure could use the money.  I just don't trust his motivation, nor understand it.  It's an attention-grabber. How could I not write to say thanks?
Or, maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Whatever the case, it's a heartbreaker. Wondering what's going on with him.. What does this mean? Does it mean anything? Does it mean nothing?  Urghhh, I am sucked in anyhow, whether I write or not, and he probably knows that.

I just want to wake up in the morning in my old bed, with him, in our house, and have it all be back the way it was. I really fucking miss him.  Our ballsed-up attempt at being friends again in May and June was really hard, and hard to let go of him again.
I am sad today.  I sometimes still get waves of immense sadness well up like a tidal wave, and spill out of my eyes.
I still feel somewhat like I'm living a double life. Living, loving, happy with E, the sex is great, he's a lot of fun and very loving, perfect in so many ways, better than Ex in a lot of ways, even. But still missing Ex so very badly. Why can't I get over this? I mean, it's been 2 years now, really, since we had a happy marriage. A year since we last really spoke or had significant contact.  I can't believe a whole year has gone by, and he hasn't been in my life at all during that time.
It would be easier if he had died. I have said that before, but in many ways, it would have been easier. And that sounds so terrible to say.  But I think I could have accepted that better in some ways, managed to move on, it's final, no 'possibility' lingering, no loss of his love, no being on the receiving end of his being an asshole, no other woman involved.
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