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Commitment Fears

Dreamt I was in a room with Ex, sitting on the end of his bed, he had folded all my laundry and put it on the floor, but that was as much help as he was giving me. He was laid back on the bed, relaxing, and there was a hot tub in the room. I asked if he'd like to join me in the tub, he said no, and got up and walked out of the room. I was heartbroken. He was so cold and angry with me.
I also dreamt I was in a new house, it was the wrong house, it was too small, and I had so much crap that I couldn't fit it all in the closets. Clothes, etc.  I guess that doesn't take much interpretation.
Fuck, I wish the dreams would stop.

He sent me an email last night, saying as I had requested to be off his home loan, he was putting 2 and 2 together and concluding I was buying a place, and if so, congratulations.  I replied "Thanks for handling your end of the paperwork quickly, I feel it's important we tie up this last piece of karma between us, so we can both truly move on."  Not what I had really wanted to say. No, I don't want to let go of this last connection between us. It hurts to do it.
I really wanted to say, "Ok, I love you, let's call this stupid crap off, all this hurt and pain, and go back to our life together, like none of it ever happened." 
He at least handled the paperwork issue quickly, he claims he didn't get the email I sent him last Thursday, so I texted the other night. I've got that all squared away now, which is great!  He sent me 12 months of bank statements, (only the one page from each, to show his payments), but that was more than a little weird to look at. 
I had a bummer fit of the night terrors after that, and went into full panic mode, made worse by E sleeping next to me, snoring. Am I doing the right thing buying a place? What about my life with E, is it really what I want? I feel so out of control at the moment.
I had a bit of doubt surface last night, and over the last few days, about our relationship. Over the last short while, I have been seeing how E is so sedentary, and while I needed that after the divorce, that comfort, stability, etc, it was great. Now, not so much. It's me who puts in a lot of the energy into things, what we do at the weekends, even the sex, I am mostly the one on top. It's hard to drag him out for a walk sometimes, too. I love to walk, having lost the ability to do it for a while last year when I fucked up my ankle so badly. I need to walk to rehab, too, rebuild my muscles again. Last night he didn't have the right shoes.

I am sad and depressed this morning, that here I am, in doubt of yet another relationship. I have thrown away too many good relationships, regretting it badly afterwards, and felt that need to find some perfection that doesn't exist, sacrificing love for my own selfishness and restlessness.  I think that's also behind the fears I'm getting about buying a place, too, it's a Big Fucking Commitment.  I am my Dad, I see my Dad in all that, so clearly. He is utterly restless, and utterly unable to form meaningful lasting relationships. I am scared I'm going down the same path as him, and he's late 60's and a bachelor, and his health won't always be good, and he's lonely a lot of the time.
I have a Moon Uranus conjunction in my chart, in late Libra, right where Saturn is headed in a few months' time. I am terrified of it. I hate Saturn transits. When it hit my Pluto last summer was when all this shit went down, and I broke my ankle.

I had an hour on the phone with S the other night, she told me some things about Ex she really shouldn't have, and that depressed me. He spent $2,000 on an evening out for Master recently. I didn't need to know that. She was disgusted.  So am I.  And worried. But it's like S said, none of my business any more. (Yeah, so why did you even tell me that?)
I haven't seen to much of her lately, and that's why. I want to move on, I can't when she tells me shit about them all.  I don't need to know it.
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