Been feeling low-level (or not so low) anxiety continually this last while. Just waking up in a sweat, that feeling of dread on waking, realizing your world is about to change.. E and I watched the season finale of Falling Skies last night, which is excellent, totally recommend it! But I dreamt of alien world domination and post apocalypse survival this morning, which didn't help my mental state.
I went to see a few condos on Saturday, found one I really liked. I am bummed that I liked a place, and have told my agent friend that I want to wait before putting any kind of offer together, at least until Mercury goes direct again on August 26th. I love that she understood that!
Fuck, such a dilemma. Put my life on hold, due to fears I have? What, my life MIGHT fuck up, so stay where I am?
Or do I get on with it, and have some faith that all will be ok somehow, and Grace will make this easier? Have a little faith that if my job goes, I will find something else and be ok? I have seen and witnessed miracles many times, why do I doubt that I will get one? Or that God has any plans for me other than fucking with me. I feel like Job. Oh Jesus, what will go wrong next? Why is God punishing me? This last 2 1/2 years has brought nothing but suck. So much self-worth I don't have.. God will just let me drown, I feel. 'He' hasn't done much but fuck my life up these last few years, or at best, let me fuck it up myself, so why should this be any different? It's all stupid, I know, as an adult, but it's that real subconscious fear, eating away at me day and night at the moment.
It's not lack of faith in God, it's lack of self-worth, lack of feeling like I deserve any help or Grace, and fear of punishment, and all the rest. God is just intent on screwing my life up at the moment, is how I feel. I wish I didn't believe in 'God' sometimes, life would be easier. How do you shake a lifetime of the stupid childish aspects of Judeo-Christian 'religion'? I totally don't believe in it, but it's got such a subconscious hold over me. Self-fulfilling prophecy, I know, I know.. But I can't shake the anxiety, the fear of a vengeful God, or at best a non-responsive one, no matter how much common sense I talk myself into, that fear still grips me.
I feel totally abandoned by 'God' at the moment.Or is that 'Dad'.
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