Been freaking out the last few days/months. A lot of fear, an insight into my upcoming Saturn transit of Uranus/moon conjunction, and how it will affect my condo-buying process, and my job. I have been expecting such a dark time, letting that fear take hold, expecting depression and unemployment to hit. A bit like the Cyclops, given the vision of my own impending death.
Because I hadn't looked at what else was going on when that transit occurred.
Well, the moon and Venus will both be there, very near my Uranus, and the Sun and Mercury will be close by, almost on my Pluto in the 5th! So I don't think it will be as bad and terrible as I dread it being. I can be creative when I need to be, with that Sun and Merc Pluto conjunction. Jupiter will still be in my 12th house, signalling, as all the astrologers keep saying on their websites lately for Gemini, that we will have a Guardian Angel during this time. Miracles from out of nowhere, unseen benefactors, etc.
I guess that's what Saturn is though, fear. Creeping fear, night terrors, paranoia, restriction, limit, and fear of those things. I think it's the darkness that we imagine, and how it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. No wonder the Medieval astrologers called it a fucking 'malefic'. The more modern astrologers are too 'nicey nicey' and polite about Saturn sometimes, I feel. Too 'growth is good' kind of speak, when really the terror grips and you're fucked.. Too many euphemisms surround Saturn transits. "Restructuring" equals utter fucking loss and illness and destruction sometimes. I have been, like we all have, through so many Saturn transits that felt like total death and terror and the end of Everything.
I feel better now I've looked at the rest of the chart for that transit. I am not out of the woods, but I feel better. Work has been a bit stressful, I feel like I am being watched all the time and judged.. So not much blogging lately. My boss clearly doesn't understand the employee morale to output and productivity ratio.
Haven't seen nor spoken nor texted with S in quite a while. I feel better about that, too. She has been feeding my negativity, albeit subconsciously. I have loved having a break, hearing NOTHING about Ex or Master, or what they're all up to. It's been good, to be left alone to forget and move the fuck on. Ex sent me some paperwork through the mail to the office, and put his office address on it, that felt so impersonal. I don't even know where he lives! And he doesn't want me to know, by the look of it. Well, if I move, I will return the favour. With the completing of this home loan stuff, we are done, and there is no reason we do need to know where we live any more. How sad is that.. 2 people that spent 10 years of their lives loving each other and being intimate, no longer even know where each other lives. I find that heartbreaking. But less so lately. It's becoming ok. He's less and less on my mind. Not that I don't have overwhelming moments of utter sadness and heartbreak still, but those are less frequent.
Things are good with E.
I find myself getting annoyed with the several friends, psychics and astrologers, who have told me either they don't like him, or he's not 'the one'. I don't care. I feel a lot of love for him right now. And surely that's all that matters. I am taking this day by day. So what. I don't want to hear what other people think about him or our long term prospects. I listened to too much of that during my divorce. It's nobody else's fucking business, no matter how well meaning they think they are, it's not helpful. I just want some time to enjoy what's going on now, not think about longer term. Now is good. Now the sex is great, and the companionship is wonderful, and to feel cared for is what I need at the moment. Surely that's enough.
I had a sleep over the other weekend with Sister and a few friends, it was lovely. I got a little wasted, and Sister and I stayed up talking til 3.30. I needed that. She gets it. I love her.
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