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Heart Failure

I knew I should have written it down, I had some incredible dream, and can't remember what the fuck it was. Hate when that happens.

I know I also dreamt about Ex, too.  He has been so much on my mind this week, worse than normal. He emailed me yesterday to say that his dad had a heart attack, and survived, but he's there with his parents this weekend. I knew something was up. I thought it was the hurricane, I emailed them in the week.  It feels so sad, to know that is going on, and I can't be there.  They were my family too for 10 years.
I can't stop my eyes leaking, E even said to me the other day, 'your eyes are red, do you have allergies?' Uh, yeah, that's what it is, allergies. I'm not really on the verge of tears all the time because I miss my ex husband and his family..

E is a good man. I love him.  Ex is not. I love him too.

E and I had the most awesome sex this morning, too.  God, I was just dying for it, you know??  He had started what he couldn't finish earlier in the morning, and after breakfast, we went back to bed, and it was phenomenal.  Shit, sex with Ex was never that good.  I should remember that.  After all, that's what got us into trouble in the first place.

I can't tell you how close I came to writing the tell-all email to Ex's parents this morning.  The one that goes something like this:  "Please take care of your will, and make sure he can't spend any of the inheritance he might get from J's possible death, on Master and Bitch. I tried hard to protect him financially when we were married, you know how crap he is with making financial decisions, well, he's being manipulated right now by some unscrupulous people, and spending a lot of money on them. I don't want to see him waste his inheritance. They were also responsible for our marriage ending, and manipulated the shit out of us both to break us up."

I am worried. He is spending a shitload on Master, apparently.

Not my business, is it? To go upsetting his parents at such a time. I just am really worried about that.. That's all.  Fuck.  And I want to tell them I love him, and would take him back in a second.
God, the emails I have almost written..  He has no idea how many times I've almost told his parents/employers/friends/IRS, everything.  I hate myself for being that person. But I guess the point is, I HAVEN'T.  I didn't DO it.  Somehow about a million times, I have held back from wrecking his life and relationship and family.

I can't believe a year has gone by, more, since we were heading for the trainwreck. 2 years, I guess.  Life still all feels 'wrong' for the way it turned out, you know? I still wake up and have to remember this isn't a nightmare, and we really did split up.  When is that going to end?
How long does it actually take to get over a thing like this???  I feel so stupid that all this anger and hatred and fear and jealousy still surfaces. I should be bigger than all of that, and get over myself, and move on.

I still can't shake the feeling that Ex and I are not done yet, either.  I am still holding on to the possibility that one day, one day, way down the line, we might get back together. How stupid AM I?

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