I had lunch with E today, in one of my favourite old cafes, and in walked 2 of Ex's old friends, who I haven't seen in a good long while. They joined us for lunch, and one lives just about a mile away from E! Ha. We didn't talk about Ex. But today, of all days, that felt special, like a little nudge from the Master. They were students of previous Master, too.
I guess somewhere in my lizard-brain, I had connected the dots, that it used to be one of my and Ex's favourite places to go on a dark rainy fall day. But it wasn't that conscious of a choice, I just like their veggie burgers.
I kept looking nervously out the window, even thinking I saw Ex, at one point. He wears a very distinctive jacket sometimes, and I was sure I saw him, in that jacket, walking past. I nearly passed out with (what, fear?). Strange.
Today's been hard. You'd think just having bought a condo, I would be all happy, but it's made the separation feel worse, I think, between me and Ex. It's another stage in the moving on, quite literally. No going back. Last night on the way home, I realized that this is over, life has changed, no matter whether or not Ex ever gets a clue, and we become friends, (or more than), again, it will never be what it was. I have been hanging on to the hope somehow, that maybe one day, this stupidness will all sort itself out again, and we will get back together, like they do in fairy-tales.
I had S over last night, we watched a movie, and she brought her dog. After she left, I sat up crying, probably for a good half hour, just sobbing. My eyes are all red and puffy today, and I feel like shit.
Mixed blessings. Amazing times, things to celebrate, and amazing sadness. Our 11th wedding anniversary is today.
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